I am going to break one of my own writing rules here, and turn to Hollywood for wisdom: "Why," said George Burns, representing God, "is it so easy to believe in that movie about exorcism, and ...

War began on my thirteenth birthday, alien blue tracer fire arcing over the minarets and round curving buildings of Baghdad. I sat cross-legged on the couch with an open notebook in my lap, not studying ...

I lifted my head off the pillow: The clock read 12:27 AM. I pumped one fist in the air: Yes! I had done it. I had?avoided New Year's Eve. This, then, was ...

Since moving to Florida, I have gained thirteen pounds. Perhaps it's the stress of the move. Perhaps I'm scared and alone and subconsciously seek to fill the void with food. Perhaps it's the fact that ...

When did this happen? Sometime between donning my grade school uniform and slapping on my work uniform, toting up another day on the Advent calendar became not a cause for celebration but a very good reason ...

There's nothing like cheap impersonal crap for Christmas, is there? A buddy of mine once worked at a company that at the corporate Christmas party proudly presented to each and every employee�an extension cord. Well, hoop ...

Remember all that news footage of mothers beating one another over the head in a mad rush to snag the Must-Have, Hot Gift Of The Year, the one their children are whining for and will ...

When I was young and na�ve and honestly thought that little girls who could not add or subtract in their heads could grow up to become astronauts, I presented significant sums of allowance to NASA ...

There's something wrong here. It's December, and I am not only jacketless, but wearing shorts. I lived four years in South Bend, Indiana�December is loss of sensation in the lower extremities. The lights started going up here ...

Talked to any dead friends or relatives lately? John Edward says he does it all the time. You've probably heard of Edward, who hosts the syndicated Crossing Over. A self-described "medium," he stands in a gallery of ...

I cried in the frozen foods aisle last night. I lived with my parents in Cincinnati for two years while I finished my master's degree and could not wait to leave. This is not to say ...

A year ago September 11, Lisa Beamer was a media nobody�practically a stigma in today's American Idol Real World Funniest Home Videos Bachelor Dating Contest Survivor world. Of all the people whose lives were changed ...

Approximately a year ago, I wrote a well-thought-out, carefully polished essay on the subject of dating a co-worker. The entirety of it had been pulled directly from my ass. I can't even remember the last time ...

Have you talked to your Mother today? You might want to contact her. She's been waiting for you. She loves you very much, and would like to know how your day went. She will listen to tales of traffic ...

Men and women of a certain age were simply unable to reach maturity without attending some social event that featured the soundtrack from the movie Grease, particularly that portion in which the phenomenon ...

There's only one thing worse than waking to a blaring alarm clock five days a week, flailing away at traffic, flailing away at co-workers, flailing away at management, peeling Saran Wrap away from warmish tuna ...

The man in the grey van pulled alongside me as I made my way across the parking lot. The permanent plates on my rental car said otherwise, but I was a visitor here, at the ...

All hail that most American of snacks, the Girl Scout cookie, with its two vital lessons in capitalism: Pound on enough doors and your troop goes to Space Camp�or, send the sales sheet with Daddy ...

This is my very favorite at-work freakout story. An office worker, fearing anthrax contamination, pulled on a pair of rubber gloves to protect him as he opened a stack of mail. As we worked, he was ...

I have obsessive-compulsive disorder , which places me in the arms of the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA). I do not recommend OCD to anyone�it involves, for instance, obsessing, compulsing, and a very great deal ...