Busted Halo

Caitlin Kennell Kim, seminary grad, baby wrangler, ordinary radical, writes about the life of a convert in the Catholic Church and explores how faith and everyday life intersect.

Click this banner to see the entire section.

November 26th, 2012

Family, Dignity, and Biting My Tongue


It started out as a perfectly mundane shopping trip. Our youngest (nearly one) sat in the front of the cart and our two oldest (two and a half and four, respectively) were riding in the basket. I was at the helm. It was last winter and we were shopping for sweaters. Our oldest was calling out the color of each sweater on the rack. His sisters clapped with hearty approbation. A woman approached me and, with more than a soupçon of disbelief and disgust, asked me, “Are those all yours?”

“Yes,” I replied, “These are all mine.” She stopped. She stared. She shook her head and clucked her tongue in disapproval. She walked away. I prayed (Oh, Lord did I pray) for the self-control to not pummel her with the diaper bag and assail her with language below the dignity of Christian womanhood. I bit my tongue. Our oldest looked up at me with hurt and confusion. “It’s ok,” I said. “We’re ok.”

Yes, by today’s standards, our family is (kind of) big. Yes, our children are relatively close in age. Yes, we are a large, loud, interracial, Catholic family. And watch out, by the grace of God, we might just get bigger. Yes, I am a woman with an elite graduate education who (of her own joyful volition, I might add) is a stay-at-home parent. That’s how we roll. That’s our family. I’m sharing this story because it brought something home to me. Families — and I mean all sorts of families — have dignity. Family is about people loving each other and supporting each other and committing themselves to each other. Family is complicated. Family is essential. Family needs to be celebrated. No one deserves to be publically humiliated because their family doesn’t fit into somebody else’s domestic ideal. No child should ever be made to feel like the people who love them, cherish them, and support them are less than a family. If a certain domestic situation doesn’t fit your religious, political, or socio-economic model of what a family ought to look like … fine. Fair enough. The thing is that none of us have the right to denigrate people who love, respect, and care for each other. Loving homes — whatever their make up — make this world a better, safer place.

This week — the last week before the beginning of Advent — let’s pray for families. All families. Let’s hold in our hearts the image of the Holy Family (made up of a virgin, a celibate, and, well, God Incarnate … not exactly “normal” by most standards). Let’s do our best during this season of family, office, and church get-togethers to remember the dignity of each family we encounter. Remember, it’s not your job to judge. You are absolutely and unequivocally unqualified for that job. Jesus said so. It’s your job to love. Love big. And have the humility to see God’s love reflected in a family that doesn’t look like your own. (Also, keep your commentary to yourself. You never know when the diaper bag of righteous indignation will crash down upon you.)

The Author : Caitlin Kennell Kim
Caitlin Kennell Kim is a full-time baby wrangler, writer, and ponderer of all things theological. She earned her Masters of Divinity in Pastoral Ministry and Theology from Union Theological Seminary in New York City. She currently lives in Northeast Ohio with her husband and their four small children.
See more articles by (80).
Please note that the editorial staff reserves the right to not post comments it deems to be inappropriate and/or malicious in nature, as well as edit comments for length, clarity and fairness.
  • thriftstoremama

    Thank you for the reminder that even the “Holy Family” wouldn’t be normal by today’s standards. When we were a young married couple struggling to figure out if God was calling us to have children or not (husband is youngest of 9 and did not want children) I often felt judged by other Catholics that we had not had children yet. I thought of us as a family, my husband and I, and I was praying that he would trust in God and believe in himself. Fast forward 10 years later, and after much prayerful discernment we’ve decided that our family is complete with two children. No, we aren’t acting in total accordance with the Church’s rules, but we attend Mass weekly (or more), raise our children Catholic, go to religious education class, go to Confession, pray daily, believe in transubstantiation and the infallibility of the Pope. We live our faith and listen to hymns in the car, for heaven’s sake. And yet there are those who think I am not Catholic enough because I a) work outside the home, b) only have two children or c) don’t participate in the adoration group (take your pick).

    Oops, I’m so sorry to have hijacked your post with my venting. It was lovely and a great reminder that all families have dignity.

    • Gremlin

      People are called to adventures during their life. Sounds to me like you are living the adventures God has called you to.

  • Therese T.

    Another great article, Caitlin! We don’t have an “normal” family either (3 adults, 8 kids–Pacific Islander-Caucasian blend). I totally agree that Big Love is the primary task of big families!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/mkburgess Melinda K. Burgess

    Right on, Caitlin. There is no stereotypical family. Let’s just hope that within all those families out there, there is a generous helping of love. And you’re right – we need to get past our biases and learn to love the extraordinary family.

  • http://www.facebook.com/coffeemancer Jonathan George

    I love this story, and the commentary following is pretty darn awesome, too! Thank you for sharing this.

powered by the Paulists