7:00PM on the subway line from work, I step on to a half-full train car. By some luck, I find a seat and plop myself in for the (hopefully) half-hour commute home. It’s been another day of exercise, tasks, and projects resulting in another long day and late night at work. I am exhausted, which also means that I am frustrated. When I am frustrated, my self-criticizing nature turns inward. I start questioning myself, including every single choice I have ever made in my life.
This day turned out to be a tougher, and more emotional day than I expected. Though I was exhausted, I also felt drained and sad. Sitting on the train, I realized it might have been the first time that day that I sat and took time to myself, being in my own thoughts. Though so many people ride the subway each day, a train will be completely quiet even if the train car is full. Thus, a subway ride turns into a communal ritual everyday. However, in this moment, I thought of my experience on the train as going to mass on Sunday.
When I’m feeling down, sometimes I go to church and pray. In my moment of just feeling like I needed to give up, I knew something needed to be done. I place my backpack on the floor, and I put my face into my hands. With all the might to push any pain and stress out of my heart, I just started to fervently pray in my head.
“God I am lost and I need you. Please help me.”
In that moment, the train became a communal space with God. On that evening train to Harlem, all I needed was that safe space to sit and pray. Even if problems weren’t necessarily solved, the ache in my heart lightened up. Just at church, where I sit amongst a congregation while not verbally communicating out loud, I sat in my A train seat amongst strangers. However, at that moment they were my community too. As I looked up, I stared at some faces and wondered who felt the same as me at one point. In a sense I didn’t feel as alone, and in effect, I felt better about the day.
I’m thankful for this space, and maybe next time I’ll forgive the A train for being delayed.