Trust is a crucial element of a successful relationship, experts tell us. But sometimes, as President Ronald Reagan said, “trust but verify.”
According to a new nationally representative study of nearly a thousand British married couples, nearly half the time, at least one member of the couple is snooping on the other’s internet and email activities.
If only it were that simple. If only considering to live with a non-observant Jew and a Catholic was only about not cooking bacon in the apartment and keeping the light on in the bathroom during Shabbat.
I spent an hour on the phone with Monica gauging Annie’s love of bacon and her knowledge of the rules of the Sabbath. Even before my kosher-keeping days I’ve had an aversion to bacon. Once, while staying with a friend and her then boyfriend, I sat on top of their couch with my head hanging out the window while they made Sunday brunch: eggs and bacon. While complaining about my bacon-induced nausea, Monica confessed her distaste for shrimp after a college roommate had Costco-sized cravings. Okay. No shellfish, no pork. Check.
“But what about Shabbat?” I asked. Would Annie find it odd that I wouldn’t turn the lights on and off from sundown Friday till nightfall Saturday? “Annie is the nicest, most easy-going person. She won’t think you’re crazy,” Monica reassured me. Okay. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. Until, …
It’s been nearly a year since three people died and dozens more were injured during a self-help retreat led by the now-infamous James Arthur Ray. At the time, I wrote a piece in The Washington Post and was outspoken about the fact that, although we’d like to write them off as New Age wackos, the folks who stayed in a steamy sweat lodge well past when it was physically safe were just like you and me: Seekers who were smart, educated and interested in pushing themselves to achieve greater things.
In this month’s SELF magazine Shepelavy has a terrific piece about the lessons we can all learn from last year’s deaths. Roxanne and I logged in several hours of talk time over the last few months as she crafted the piece, “When Self-Help Harms,” and she did an excellent job. (Yes, I’m quoted extensively, but I don’t rave about all the pieces that quote me, lemme tell ya!)
Check it out here—and, because it’s always more fun to read glossy magazines than words on a screen, buy the September issue in hard copy.
You may have been following my adventures at Rendezvous with G-d, from covering a website for religious Jews seeking extramarital affairs, to interviewing Muslim women and their views on wearing veils. You might remember stories about my personal life, some of which were so personal I chose to later take it down. And today, I close a small chapter of this blog, and open a new one as I move out again. This time I am moving to Brooklyn with a (non-practicing) Catholic and (semi) observant Jew. And more difficult than finding the apartment, might be how to live in the apartment with such varying religious traditions.
So meet the girls who have decided to take this interreligious journey with me. They too will now be contributing to Rendezvous with G-d, as the three of us use our day-to-day living as material for this blog. What will happen if one of us forgets and breaks an important law during Shabbat? Will we get scared of the religious man torching our kitchen in order to make it Kosher? Will one of us become more, or less, religious during this experience? These are all the questions we ourselves are curious to …
The dreaded email forwards. Pictures of puppies wearing hats, drawings of angels, images of sunsets. I don’t get a lot of these emails except for the occasional prayer chain letter from my mom. But poor Brandon gets a lot of them. I think it’s because he likes computers so people think he will like any email sent to him. Usually they are pretty harmless. The ones that I can’t stand are the ones the spread ignorance and intolerance.
Brandon recently received an email forward from a person that he knows in a professional capacity. I won’t repeat the exact email but it was a joke about Mexicans that insinuated that they are all lazy and should go back to Mexico.
Let’s put aside for a moment that this man sent this email to my husband knowing full well that I’m Mexican-American.
What makes me mad is that the people who write things and forward things like this are not putting any thought into their opinion. They are not making logical arguments or good points or adding anything to the immigration debate except unfiltered xenophobia and prejudice. There are many opinions about immigration and many …
Do markets and morality – as we like to definite fairness in modern societies – reinforce one another? Does shopping at Wal-Mart, as the fair-minded people in Missouri do, strengthen one’s tendency to follow the golden rule in dealing with strangers?
Turns out that in a multi-country anthropological experiment, Americans shoppers scored higher in a test of fairness toward strangers than those surveyed in Fiji, Papua New Guinea, Africa, Asia and Latin America.
The researchers played the game “dictator” with folks around the world: The person who is in the “dictator” role is given a sum of money and told they can keep it all, give it all away or share some part of it with another player, whose identity remains secret.
How much would you give? Half? A bit less than half?
That’s what standard American ideas of fair would suggest… but that’s not necessarily everyone’s definition of equity. Some nomad communities would only share a quarter of the prize. Indeed, the study finds, “most hunter-gatherers, foragers and subsistence farmers were less inclined to …
Are college students today more narcissistic than their peers from previous generations?
Based on the results of the narcissistic personality inventory, a standardized test that has been given to students at the University of South Alabama over the last 15 years, the answer is a resounding yes.
“I’m extremely confident,” San Diego State University psychologist Jean Twenge told Discovery News. “I think these analyses end the debate completely. It’s clear narcissism is rising.”
But is this inventory the best judge of narcissism-and what does that really even mean? Narcissistic personalities are usually defined as people who think very highly of themselves, are self-absorbed and have unrealistic views about their own qualities and little regard for others.
Sounds like every Millennial you know, right? Well, you may fit the bill, too.
Narcissism is most certainly not a virtue. But as a vice, it may be one of most common throughout history. Younger Americans, however, have been raised on a steady diet of self-esteem boosting. After getting a gold star for every effort, no wonder young-adults are tipping the scales of this inventory.
I recently had a conversation with an old friend who was thinking about making some major life decisions without telling her family about it. She knew they would disapprove and she didn’t want to deal with them. She justified it by saying that she believed in what she was doing and just wanted to do it and tell everyone later.
This is a tough issue. There is great tension between wanting to be independent, to be your own person, to make your own decisions and your responsibility to your family.
After 25 years of having to figure out what to share and not share with my family, it’s still a tough call each time. I know that I don’t want to have to lie to my family so I try not hide things that I’ll have to lie about to cover it up but at the same time I don’t tell them every detail about my life. It’s one thing to get a tattoo that you never tell mom about because hopefully she’ll never see it. It’s quite another thing to elope and move out of state saying adios to the family through your …
If the pilot of your plane has a heart attack mid-air, could you land the plane? With the help of some calm, fast-thinking air traffic controllers, Doug White of Archibald, La., was able to land the plane — saving both his own life and the life of his family.
You probably didn’t hear about this story–from more than a year ago–or the brief media mentions of the Archie League Medal of Safety Award that the National Air Traffic Controllers Association gave Brian Norton and Lisa Grimm for talking Mr. White through a harrowing situation on Easter Sunday 2009. But when I come across stories of courage like this, I think it’s important to highlight them, no matter when they happened.
Mr. White knew how to fly a smaller, less complex type of aircraft, so that helped, but in the audio tapes of the event, you can hear the fear in his voice.
Part of our Catholic tradition involves a concept known as “natural law,” a term used to describe a “right” ordering to the universe. As a life-long Yankees fan I had never had any trouble understanding that concept, especially during the late nineties, where World Championships were like Christmas… they happened every year. It was a “right ordering” of the universe that had never really been challenged: some teams are usually up, some teams are usually down, and no matter how good the Boston Red Sox ever get, they will always play second fiddle to the greatest sports franchise in world history (Manchester United be damned).
So you can imagine my… my… what’s the word… “shock” and “surprise” just seem too soft to describe the experience of having one’s entire universe re-ordered… abject horror when, in 2004 the Boston Red Sox overcame a three game deficit—something NO TEAM had ever done in either baseball or basketball—to win the American League Championship Series (ALCS) against my beloved Bronx Bombers.
But it didn’t make sense to me…. in years past it seemed as though that the Lord Almighty always intervened to ensure that His favorite …
Here’s some visual amusement — to make you laugh or cry.
Check out this map, from the good folks at Sociological Images. The red parts of the map are locations where there are more bars than grocery stores. The yellow parts of the map are where grocery stores outnumber bars.
After nearly three years at the University of Iowa, this map seems about accurate: Midwestern college towns must have bars outnumbering grocery stores by a margin of 10 to 1. Indeed, it’s fitting that this research comes out of the University of Wisconsin:
According to my totally unscientific online research, La Crosse, Wisconsin is home to more than 360 bars and holds the Guinness Book of World Records for the most bars per capita and most bars on one street. In Medford, Wisconsin, apparently there’s one bar for every 455 people.
And I see a little cluster around what might be my current hometown in Pittsburgh. Indeed, given how hard it is to buy alcohol outside of a bar in Pennsylvania, I’d expect to see the whole state light up …
I had exactly seven days left in Austin and I had not yet eaten the second greatest burger in Texas according to Texas Monthly Magazine. Why I thought I would have room in my stomach for the second greatest burger in Texas I do not know… the last few weeks had been a gastrointestinal marathon of good-bye lunches, dinners, and breakfasts with the good parishioners of St. Austin Parish. Not that I was an unwilling participant in all of restaurant hopping, mind you.
One of my favorite Paulist preachers here in Washington, DC used to be the rector of our parish in Rome. One of the reasons I like his preaching so much is that he usually has great stories to tell, especially on the topic of saints; he almost always comes up with some interesting aspect of the saint’s life that’s not usually found in the official listing. But it is obvious where his heart is because many of his homilies start out with the phrase, “There is this church in Rome…” I only bring that up here because I can imagine a time in the future in which I …
We’ve all heard that life is a great pilgrimage. But a pilgrimage to what? The pastor of a church here in Austin has in his email signature line “Working to beat hell”. That’s what I hope my pilgrimage is. To heaven. To God. To Infinite Love. Sometimes we have to make specific journeys to find this more deeply, though.
I’ve been lucky to find some great friends and to find love in these communities but there is something different about feeling the love of family. It’s a different connection; a blood connection; a connection that is part of you. I know a lot of people probably don’t feel this all the time and I am one of them. Family relationships can be complicated and messy sometimes.
I have a huge extended family with 14 aunts and uncles and countless cousins and everyone in everyone else’s business. They aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I love them dearly. I’ve always felt on the outside of them but have always really ached for their approval and affection.
Whenever we go back to El Paso to visit La Lupe and the fam I …
In the last year, at least six Cornell University students have committed suicide, with the most recent death in March. Back in the late 1990s, there was a similar wave of suicides, giving the university a reputation as a “suicide school.” While that’s a little bit unfair–yes, it’s cold and dark and dreary in Ithaca during the winters–Cornell has developed an admirably open and proactive mental health approach to its problem.
Suicides are awful — and suicides among young, bright students with so much potential? It’s that much more heart-wrenching. Yet somehow, news of these deaths has sparked excellent conversations about recognizing depression in teens.
If you learn anything at Cornell, please learn to ask for help. It is a sign of wisdom and strength.
According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, there are about 7 suicides for every 100,000 college students each year. As a college professor, I try to be open and available to my students if they want to talk about personal problems-and in my classes, …
Over the past few weeks, I have been on a culinary tear through the “Cheap Eats” Capital of the world: Austin, Texas . You see, on the east Coast, cupcakes are NOT served out of a trailer. On the east Coast, our idea of barbeque involves defrosting hot dogs in a microwave. On the East Coast, a breakfast taco is simply when you eat leftovers from Chili’s the following morning. So I have been spending these last days in Austin frantically visiting all of my favorite places… Amy’s Ice Cream, Torchy’s Tacos, Taco Deli, Iron Works… you name it. Someday I’m going to write a book about my experiences over these past few weeks: I’m going to call it “Eat, Pray, Austin.”
Being Mexican-American can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Err on the side of Mexican and you’re un-American. Err on the side of American and you’re a sell-out. It reminds me of that scene in Selena when her dad completely freaks out, “We have to be more Mexican than the Mexicans and more American than the Americans, both at the same time! It’s exhausting!” It’s a little melodramatic but sometimes I feel the same way. I feel like I can never satisfy either side.
There are so many ways people live out their Mexican-ity. I have friends that are dark-skinned, have an accent when they speak English and yet don’t speak Spanish at all. I have friends that were never taught Spanish or anything about their Mexican background but decided to take charge of it in college and learn Spanish and the culture and live as if they grew up in a Mexican household. I know people who go by Louis when their name is really Luis. I know people that have …
A French documentary, which aired this spring, argues that we’d do anything to win a reality television show — even kill another human being.
The film, called “The Game of Death,” features players in a fake television game shocking fellow contestants if they answer a question incorrectly. The directors of the film found some 80 contestants and auditioned them to take part in a game-show called “Zone Xtreme,” where other “contestants” (actually actors) were asked questions while strapped to an electrified chair. If the actor gave an incorrect answer, the contestant was encouraged to administer an electric shock as punishment, while the crowd roared approval.
Christophe Nick, the maker of the documentary, told the BBC that 82% of the participants shocked the actor-contestant.
“They don’t want to do it, they try to convince the authority figure that they should stop, but they don’t manage to.”
The idea for this show comes from the Milgram experiments from the 1960s, which demonstrated people will do horrible things if someone in a position of authority tells them to do …
Honesty is a virtue — as is beauty, arguably. But wow, are these two ideas in conflict here. What’s freaking me out (and other women) is that at first glance we don’t even notice that the women are fake. We’re that used to seeing airbrushed models that we just see this as yet another display ad for some fashion show or product.
This is problematic. While I don’t need to see rolls of fat on models either, it’s probably time to acknowledge that, in the quest for “perfection,” we’ve lost touch with reality.
So I’ve taken up golf this past year in Austin. I have mixed feelings about this development in my life. Yes, I am enjoying the game… but I still can’t shake the feeling that this is somehow a natural progression of my priestly formation. Priests and golf seem to be so synonymous that I wouldn’t be surprised if the bishop handed me a seven iron right after putting the oils on my hands during the ordination service.
This development in my life makes me wonder what will be coming next. Seriously, it CAN’T really be wearing cardigans. So many priests I know wear cardigans, but that can’t be allowed to happen. Catholic teachings on the sanctity of life aside, I am really going to have to find some trusted friends who will agree to give me the business end of a Colt 45 if I ever start to wear cardigans. (Okay, maybe I’m being extreme, but I would would hope that someone would at least slap me.)
But in the area of golf, I suppose if the President of the United States has also taken to golf recently—someone who regularly plays basketball with pro players and had Jay-Z at his Inauguration—then maybe …