Busted Halo
feature: politics & culture
May 16th, 2006

Christian Bumper Cars

Beware of faith-based fenders

 
facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmailfacebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail

My grandmother loved Jesus. My grandmother’s dog apparently loved Jesus. My grandmother’s car even preached about Jesus. Those are not all good things. She would drive around in her huge, red Oldsmobile with a bumper sticker that read “Lion of the Tribe of Judah.” For those of you who don’t know what that is (Heck, I’m a Christian and I had no idea what it meant), it’s one of Jesus’ little monikers, like Prince of Peace or Lamb of God. I was never quite sure what my grandmother was hoping to achieve by displaying something that ninety percent of regular Bible-reading Christians can’t decipher?

“In the interest of minimizing the number of bumper sticker-induced road rage crimes, I offer the following guide to actual stickers that can be found dotting fenders along America’s highways and byways.”

For that matter what do any of the auto-evangelists driving around this great land of ours hope to accomplish with this growing cult of bumper-sticker Christianity? Do they really believe that if they can get just the right clever little saying, all other drivers will become born-again, conservative republicans who love the president and are waiting with bated breath for Jesus to come back?

As if inflated gas prices weren’t punishment enough, driving my car now not only makes me poorer it makes me feel spiritually inferior as well. Every time I get stuck behind one of these mobile ministry types I have the urge to cut them off and give their “fish” the bird. But of course that would only serve to justify their already over-nourished sense of righteousness.

So, in the interest of minimizing the number of bumper sticker-induced road rage crimes I offer the following guide to actual stickers that can be found dotting fenders along America’s highways and byways. You can’t say you haven’t been warned…

Christian Bumper Stickers : BA301A When the trumpet sounds

I’ll give $50 to whoever stands outside this guy’s window at night and just blares on a trumpet non-stop. I’d love to see him running out the door looking for Jesus in his jammies.

Christian Bumper Stickers : BA070A Got Jesus? It is hell without Him

Christians don’t know when to stop themselves. “Got Jesus?” is sort of humorous, but tagging on “It’s Hell without Him” is just annoying. It’s not like the milk tag line is “Got Milk? Cause you’ll die without it.”

Christian Bumper Stickers : BA082A Jesus loves Darwin

What a great idea, make sarcastic remarks about Jesus’ eternal love. Christian sarcasm is a beautiful thing. It doesn’t really make any particular point, but man does it tick off non-Christians. That’s two for two.

Christian Bumper Stickers : BA150A God is my pilot Jesus is my navigator the Spirit my steward. I am just here for the ride!

Holy Moly! The triune godhead better have a permit for all that, other wise He could totally get in trouble with the government. I had a friend this one time who tried to operate a fork lift without a license and ……

Christian Bumper Stickers : BA048A For all you do His blood is for you

Somehow this bumper sticker manages to profane both the King of Kings and the King of Beers at the same time. That’s quite an accomplishment.

Christian Bumper Stickers : BA128A Go to Church - do not wait for the hearse to take you!

I like to pop this onto my car and drive in front of funeral processions. I figure since they’re already crying, it’s not that mean.

Christian Bumper Stickers : BA011A FURGOTTWIRLEBEN

According to the website this thing came from it means “For God we live” in German. So, if you’re ever in the Deutschland, you can really preach to a German in another car, sort of. But, if you’re in America, you’re making a semi-clever remark based on the early 90′s craze of using German words that begin with F. That’s just sad.

Christian Bumper Stickers : BA116A Try Jesus if you do not like him Satan will always take you back

I think if you put this on your car, everyone is allowed to just call you jerk from now on.

Christian Bumper Stickers : BA138A If a man lies with a male

IN CASE YOU FORGOT, CHRISTIANS DON’T LIKE HOMOSEXUALS. WE WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DON’T FORGET THAT, AND BY “THAT” I MEAN CHRISTIANS NOT LIKING HOMOSEXUALS!!!!!!!

Christian Bumper Stickers : BA016A He is coming back

You know those license plates that bunch up consonants because there is only so much space? Well, this one says He’s Coming Back, although the first time I read it I thought it was some sort of Bible Code. So I took the numerical version of each letter, added it all up, took that number and divided by the number of letters there were. It comes out to 9.375, which is exactly the IQ of people who believe in the Bible Code nonsense. Weird, huh?

Christian Bumper Stickers : BA136A God created Adam & Eve - not Adam & Steve

ONCE AGAIN, CHRISTIANS DO NOT LIKE HOMOSEXUALS!!!!! WE WOULD LIKE YOU ALL TO KNOW……yeah, you get it.

Christian Bumper Stickers : BA319A The Rapture is Coming - Are you ready?

Christian scare tactics are pretty lame. Could we at least get a bigger actor than Kirk Cameron to star in the “Left Behind” movies? I mean, why doesn’t someone lead Jean Claude Van Damme to the Lord? Then he could totally kick the beasts’ face in and then he and Jesus could kill the devil. I’m just sayin’.

Christian Bumper Stickers : BA322A The road to integrity is always under construction

This is much like the “Christians aren’t perfect…” bumper sticker, just more subtle. I caught you self-pitying Christian, you can’t get away from me that easily.

Christian Bumper Stickers : BC204A after the rapture give this car to my mother-in-law

The underlying message here is that this dude assumes his mother-in-law is going to hell, and he’s cool with that. Who else has he given up on? His dentist? His bookie? The bully who beat him up in the 5th grade?

 
facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmailfacebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail
The Author : Joe Marchelewski
Joe Marchelewski writes from Los Angeles.
See more articles by (3).
Please note that the editorial staff reserves the right to not post comments it deems to be inappropriate and/or malicious in nature, as well as edit comments for length, clarity and fairness.
powered by the Paulists