I’m afraid that you are mistaken about the history of marriage. This is narrative that has emerged in the last decades as the debate over the nature of marriage has heated up.

It is not a matter of Marriage not being considered a Sacrament for much of the early history of the Church, but rather that the technical definition of a Sacrament – differentiating between a Sacrament and a sacramental – developed over time.

Trent was not the first Ecumenical Council to dogmatically define marriage as a Sacrament, the early 15th c. Council of Florence was. But to say that this means that Marriage was not a Sacrament until this period is a very un-Catholic way of viewing history. The seven Sacraments were not defined dogmatically by an Ecumenical Council until this time because it was not until this time that the idea of the seven Sacraments had been challenged (just as the canon of scripture was not dogmatically defined by an Ecumenical Council until Trent even though it had solidified by the 4th c.). It is worth noting that both Councils state that the teaching is not new but goes back to the Apostles .. remember, Paul actually called marriage a “great Sacrament” in Ephesians. Pope Innocent I at the beginning of the 5th c., St. Ambrose in the 4th century, Terullian in the 2nd c. all define Marriage as a Sacrament.

Your article and comment feedback led me to wonder if you have looked into joining other Church-based groups. As an example, the Knights of Columbus are active in most parishes and are always looking for good faithful new men to join with them — two bonuses for you: 1. The K of C are having their annual Supreme Convention in Phoenix at the beginning of July, and 2. The K of C are active in both promoting and supporting vocations to the priesthood and religious life (whether they are “early” or “late” vocations). The Knights, or a similar group, may be a great “home-base” for you in the Church.

Good luck as you travel down whichever path your discernment leads you!

Kyra: You’re absolutely right. God is not a waiter; he does not take orders. Learning to surrender is a hard thing, especially when the evidence suggests that His plans and yours may not coincide.

Last Monday, when I was interviewed on Busted Halo’s Father Dave Dwyer show, I remarked how a friend, upon reading this article, had responded with: “Dial 1-800-WAAAAH!” I took his point. Compared with a lot of people, I’ve got it easy. It helps to remember that. For that reason, I begin all my prayers with thanks, then plead forgiveness. Then, only after I’ve asked favors for my friends who are in real trouble, will I ask for relief from my own silly problems.

First let me state for the record that I am a single woman in my late twenties who regularly attends the 9 AM mass. With my parents. Who I live with. And my three year old son. If there are any young single men in my parish, I wouldn’t know it.

Anyway, that said, I’ve recently read a couple things that enhanced and clarified my understanding of “waiting” to be called to a particular vocation. The first is: “If you aren’t sure if you are called to lifelong celibacy, just ask yourself if you could go the entire rest of your life without sex, a spouse and children, and not be bitter about it. If your answer is no, then guess what? You’re called to marriage! (as over 90% of Catholics are)…”

Great, now that that’s out of the way, the second step is in how you approach God to answer your questions. God is a parent who wants nothing but good things for His children and takes joy in surprising us. He is also a friend with whom we’re supposed to be honest and have a real relationship. Once I started really thinking about what that means in regard to my relationship with God, it’s that I’ve gotten more “real” with Him. I’ve become more trusting of God the Parent, and more demanding of God the Friend, as I would be of any friend who I felt wasn’t giving me a straight answer. Instead of praying “pretty please, God” I have basically told Him “Look. I can’t go the rest of my life without a husband and my son can’t go the rest of his life without a father. I know that marriage is my vocation, and I want You to make this happen for me.” Faith isn’t about hoping God will grant us these things. It is about knowing these things that we ask are good and right, and knowing God will grant them.

Its funny; after I wrote that, I realized I wasn*t just posting on Facebook or similar! Whoops! But, truly I agree; I have had many attempts-at-trendy fashion police disasters back-in-the-day and the blessing is, I can look back and chuckle about them today ;)

Kudos to anyone who maybe flubs up but has the courage to OWN IT.

I took that to mean that some people are pastoral by nature, others are parental, and a relatively small number are best suited to show charity as laymen who have endless time on their hands.

My main objection to the vocation of singlehood was the complete lack of prestige attached to it. Everyone respects priests (at least in the abstract), and married people are always welcome in the club, especially if they have children. But I was afraid, if I were to remain single, that people would point and whisper: “What’s his deal? Is he, you know, comme ca? Is he some kind of social retard? Or is he, God forbid, a freelance writer of very uncertain career prospects?”

But then I met my friend C. Approaching fifty, she has never married, and has chosen to have few intimate relationships. (One of those relationships resulted in the birth of a child, but that’s another story for another time.) She wears her singlehood with great dignity, and makes the most of her spare time, taking a leading role in many of the parish charities. In her spare time, she likes to schmooze lapsed Catholics into having their children baptized.

One day, after hearing me gripe for an hour or better about feeling marginalized,stimatized, blah, blah, blah, she turned to me and said, “Whatever you do, don’t do it for the badges.”

It made me think — about her; about saints like Martin de Porres and Faustina Kowalska, who had dedicated their lives to grinding, tedious, dangerous tasts; about people who were forced to remain single because of painful or life-shortening disabilities.

I can’t say it turned my head around completely. (I am, after all, a db with frosted tips and eighty-dollar t-shirts, who would love to be created a Knight of Malta.) But it did make me want to carry my Cross a little higher.

Hope that helped.

Thank you all for your kind, insightful comments. (Some of them have the ring of an intervention, which I find a little embarassing, but nonetheless very, very touching.) Just to clarify: I don’t feel ill-served by the Church, or by my parish. Of all the parishes in the area, none could be more welcoming to older singles than mine. The demographic makeup of this particular Mass may have forced me to come to terms with my age and singlehood much earlier than I’d have wanted, given my druthers, but in the end, the reckoning will do me good. As my fellow Catholic convert Oscar Wilde wrote, whatever is realized, is right.

Fr. Larry: My interest in the priesthood is very sincere. I’d never heard of the CSP until Bill McGarvey mentioned it to me, but its charism sounds right up my alley. (According to Wikipedia, Paulist priests are famous for their sense of humor.) Will definitely stay in touch.

To Joe, Shea and Erin — thanks. Am keeping all my options open.

To brandy: I can’t believe you wrote “db” on a religious website. You ARE edgy. But yeah, I figure there’s no point in making a fool of yourself if you can’t dine out on the stories later on. Greater love hath no man than this: to admit he goes to church dressed like an off-duty mortgage broker.

Alison, I used to have people try to find out where my focus was off, or what I needed to fix in my approach, or what exactly I was doing wrong to not find a husband. Turns out the only thing I was doing wrong was not finding him! As soon as I met him, I knew it was right, and nothing I could have done in the past would have changed when I met him or the fact that he was the one. Maybe Max is ready, but just hasn’t found her yet. I was being saved for my husband! We were meant to be, even if we were on other sides of the country! Just took us longer to find each other.

Max, keep yourself out there. If nothing else, you’ll make some friends. I’ve made some wonderful friends through different groups in the Church. Being yourself … no matter how “old” you are … is key. You’ll be happier, and the people you meet will know the real you, and they’ll like you for who you are, and not who you pretend to be.

Max – I’ve got a female friend that’s just in your shoes. To attract her attention though, you’d have to stay in the chapel after Mass saying your prayer of thanksgiving or praying a Rosary, not running outside to have a cigarette with your cool t-shirts and colored hair. Perhaps God has your wife all ready for you, but is waiting for you to become more ready for her? My advice would be to use this time to really focus on the Lord and where you’re at with your faith, and trust in Him to make your vocation clear to you when He believes you’re ready for it.

For what it’s worth, as hard as it is to let go of your “coltish” youth, I think you’d move closer to your true vocatiion (whatever that might be) by embracing who you are *now*, and assessing your current interests, needs, desires, dreams, skills, passions, etc.

While you’re discerning, I hope you’ll take a good look at the Paulists. We could use more guys who communicate well, connect with American culture, and are fans of Fight Club. (What’s the first rule of Fight Club?)

Hang in there, and listen for the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Peace. – Fr. Larry Rice, CSP