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Busted Halo
feature: politics & culture
October 1st, 2002

Hiding Dick Cheney

Ten Spots They'll Never Find Our Secure and Undisclosed Vice President

 
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Any cop will tell you it’s the guilty who run at the scene of a crime.

Believe that and you’ll find Vice President Dick Cheney’s disappearances during recent terrorist alerts puzzling. During last month’s “code orange” terrorist alert Cheney was once again whisked off to what the White House calls “secure and undisclosed” locations, thus leaving the press (and the largely unprotected public) curious as bees.

But not to fret. Following is a list of “secure and undisclosed” locations where no one will ever think to look for Dick Cheney:

1. In Kosovo cleaning toilets for the Halliburton Company. The Dallas-based company Cheney headed for five years is well known for maintaining separate restrooms for Americans and “host country nationals” in Kosovo. So what terrorist or corporate malcontent would ever think of looking for Cheney operating a steam house inside a Kosovar port-a-john?Image from www.whitehouse.gov

2. Any League of Women Voters registration table. Everyone knows by now that Cheney failed to vote in the last 14 of 16 elections (or do they?). If the secret service plops Cheney down on a folding chair at a LWV sign up table in any ethnic neighborhood in the U.S., chances are not even the press will find him.

3. Headquarters of the Tom Arnold Fan Club. I know?Cheney has no connection or ideological stand concerning Arnold. But if I were to hide someone I’d hide them in the last place anyone would ever care to look?ever.

4. South Africa (Nelson Mandela’s house). While a U.S. Representative for Wyoming in 1986, Cheney voted against imposing economic sanctions on South Africa’s apartheid government. The Secret Service could go the extra mile by making sure that Paul Simon’s Graceland CD is blaring from Mandela’s windows to confuse any potential bomb throwing Pan-African terrorists.

5. With the cast of the Broadway musical Urinetown. Let’s face it, Al-Qaeda operatives are not big patrons of musical theater (at least not yet anyway), so its a safe bet they won’t think to look for Cheney among the cast of this fetching Brechtian fable. Can you imagine the look on Cheney’s face when his Secret Service stiffs tell him he’s going to Urinetown? (see Halliburton above).

7. Driving a school bus in the South Bronx. Although he supports prayer in schools, Cheney has opposed busing to achieve racial desegregation in public schools. Driving a bus is a smart tactical move since it allows Cheney to escape terror-laden situations by flooring it on “bus only” lanes on clogged bridges and freeways.

8. Organizing clothing and furniture collections at Goodwill. Two years ago Cheney bristled at Boston Globe reporters when asked about his donating a paltry 1% of his income to charity. “I thought it was appropriate,” Cheney told reporters. So what could be more “appropriate” than whisking the V.P. off to where people know it is better to give than to receive?

9. On the editorial board of the Onion newspaper. This one is pretty self-explanatory. However, the more I think of it, the more I start believing that nothing would please the writing staff of the Onion more than having ole’ V.P. around during their meetings. And as far as your average terrorist is concerned, no treatment could be more fitting for Cheney than what he’d get at the Onion . Well, almost?

10. The Naval Observatory residence of the Vice President of the United States. Ironically, this is where Cheney OUGHT TO BE as your public servant (and therefore the last place anyone will ever look). This leaves us back where we started. Perhaps Cheney doesn’t like the accommodations. Hey, if it was good enough for Dan Quayle…

Photo credit: VP’s residence from U.S. Naval Observatory website.

 
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The Author : Edward Ortiz
Edward Ortiz is a journalist and writer from western Massachsetts.
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