When I was in college my friend Mike often said that his goal in life was simply “to be fat and happy.”

He may have been onto something.

Give the gift of lifespan
Want to prolong your life? Apparently there is one sure-fire popular way to pop a couple of years on to your lifespan.

Have sex.

Now let’s qualify that a bit, since we don’t want it said that BustedHalo’s writers are encouraging rampant sexual deviancy around the Notre Dame quad on Wednesday and Friday nights.

Many studies on longevity point to the fact that “intimate sexual relations twice a week” add, on average, two years to one’s lifespan. Now, that means, for this to work, the sex needs to be with someone that you are completely intimate with (such as: husband or wife) and not just the slobbering drunk at Clarke’s Bar who looks pretty good at 3AM when it looks like Mr. or Miss America isn’t about to walk into the bar anytime soon.

Adding on the years without taking off the pounds
I’ve been studying the issue of life expectancy this semester in a graduate class on human development, and I was pleased to find out that having sex with my wife twice a week garners me and my wife not one, but two extra years of that precious thing called life. Much to my shock (and pleasure), making love to my wife twice a week is one of the only activities that (statistically speaking) adds more than a year to my life.

I’m slightly overweight so I thought losing 30 lbs. would add much more than two years, but it turns out that dropping all that weight only gives me one extra year. A friend argued, “Mike, maybe if you lost the 30 lbs., Marion would be more inclined to have sex twice a week. Then you get three years.”

My reply: “Don’t get greedy.”

Eat, drink, and be horny
But what about changing diet? If I cut the fat out and skimp on the sweets, I gain a grand total of one year? To be blunt, I say the hell with that. I’d rather die in a food coma with a smile on my face than torture myself in exchange for one miserable year with no chocolate or steak to eat.

The news gets better. If I want to have a glass of beer or wine once per day, add another year (ka-ching). Moderate drinking actually increases your lifespan by a full year (getting schnockered, however, decreases it by two).

I get another year simply for staying married.

So losing weight or eating healthier adds up to less time than I’d get for doing nothing but continuing to delude my wife into believing that I am sexy. Not an easy task, but it beats not eating Gummy Bears or Cherry Coke.

Giving the gift that keeps on getting some
So when Valentine’s Day comes around, it’s still a good idea to send cards and flowers, but don’t forget to give the gift of life. And don’t just “get it on” the big day, but “knock boots” again the next morning. Then eat a lot of chocolate hearts, because you’re adding three years to your life just by keeping the romance alive.

Sometimes I really like science.

Now I have to run and e-mail this information to my wife.