M.E. and Me
Memories of my Marriage Encounter childhood
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The endless reminders
There were endless reminders of the fact that my parents were leaders of Marriage Encounter, daily rituals that were absent in my friend’s homes. These included an hour spent “dialoging” each night, my parents demanding “quiet time” to write updated letters to each other in their journals. (Think Facebook circa 1982.)
There were also the evening “one-ringers” that I despised, when the phone in our kitchen would ring once, I would get up to answer it, only to be hung up on. My parents finally admitted that “one-ringers” were an M.E. thing — another member would call and ring once to signal that they were thinking of you. One night I answered it and it was Frank; “I’m just calling to say I love you!” he said. I hung up on him.
By age twelve, I had tried everything I possibly could to sabotage my parents’ participation in Marriage Encounter. I threatened to run away. I pretended to be vomiting in the bathroom the mornings of charismatic Mass. Perhaps the most desperate among these attempts, however, was the night that the police came to our house during one of the weekly meetings. I had called them anonymously from the rotary phone in the basement. I pretended to be a neighbor complaining of the “noise level” coming from our house, which was nothing more than five or six married couples singing and praying. They never knew it was me who had ratted them out.
Years after these episodes of adolescent sabotage I look back and wonder why I acted that way. What was it about my parents and their public displays of both religion and affection that mortified me? Sophocles once said, “The weight of the world is love.” As an adolescent, Marriage Encounter was indeed the weight of my small world, the proverbial cross I had to bear, and it was heavy. How could I have known it meant much more? In college, I would listen to the words of Neil Young who put it this way: “Only love can break your heart.” Somewhere between Sophocles and Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young I finally learned two things: 1) That love could be a burden; and 2) It was supposed to be.
Lasting friendships
Though my parents retired from Marriage Encounter when I was in high school, the friendships born from that time remained. Twenty years later, I would see the faces of the Marriage Encounter couples again. I was now an adult, standing next to my father and three brothers. In a surreal moment, I looked around the room and saw the same sea of faces from the meetings in our living room over twenty years earlier. They were aged and somber, as they stood in line at my mother’s wake. One by one, they embraced my brothers and me.
Frank the “prank caller” was now in his early eighties; I hadn’t seen him in over twenty years, yet the first thing he said was, “I love you.” Nancy and Henry had been at the hospital the morning my Mom died. I remembered Ray and the belt buckle he was so proud of, the one I relentlessly made fun of; he wouldn’t be there as a few years before he also had died of cancer. I thought of Father Al, who insisted on coming to my college graduation party in the mid 1990′s, even though by then he could no longer walk. I missed the robust man in my memory that occupied so much of my parent’s time, who was usually loud at the dinner table, and who often embarrassed me in front of my friends. He had become frail and quiet. Watching my dad carry Father Al’s wheelchair up the stairs, I felt humbled and small. The only words I could think of were, “The weight of the world is love.”
I realized how little I knew then about love, and that whatever I did know about it now, I had learned from these people from the past who still occupied my mind and heart no matter how hard I had tried to forget them. I longed to go back to days past, to a time when my biggest problem in life was that my parents loved each other and God and went public with it.
I no longer lament the “normal childhood” that was not meant to be mine. Back then, I took for granted that I grew up surrounded by a community of people who believed in marriage, despite its inherent hardship, and in celebrating lives that were built on faith, love and loyalty. A common biblical phrase from years of overhearing the Marriage Encounter meetings still echoes in my mind: “Love one another as I have loved you.” It took me twenty-five years to realize that the thing about the couples in Marriage Encounter was that they truly meant it.
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This is an absolutely beautiful story. Thanks.
A funny and touching essay. Excellent!
I’m not the Father Al of this wonderful story, but a Father Al who was involved in many M.E. Encounters and this story just brought alive all the wonderful experienes of my life. Thank you! And, oh, I LOVE YOU! Father Al – Boston, MA
Dear Fr. Al,
You made my day! Thank you for reading my article, and I love you too :)
CJM
What a wonderful article!! Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and *loving* story. God love you! :)
Wonderful story Carolyn. I also live in upstate NY and it’s nice to see such a strong Catholic from this area writing about her experiences. Thanks for sharing! :)
Caroline, that was beautiful. Keep writing. You have a gift. I remember our marriage encounter that your parents took us to. It was scary but I remember at the end of the weekend how close to Tully and God I felt. Very rewarding. Love Ya.l
When I read the first page, I immediately ran upstairs and made our daughter promise if she ever wrote an article about being an M.E. Kid, to be nice to us… after finishing it, I was bawling my eyes out, praying she’d someday honor us you honored your parents!
Great article. Sounds very familiar as I too grew up in an ME family. I remember those large group gatherings with everyone hugging. I also remember the huge ME support that my family received years later when my brother died. They really did love and care for all of us. My husband and I are now blessed to currently be a member of the ME family. Now our children will get to grow up in this community. It hasn’t changed much. The love for eachother is still present and forthcoming. Thank you for this beautiful article.
Oh my goodness! My husband grew up in a ME family. His parents were pretty much pioneers who then brought EE to the West Coast. Your parents and my in-laws probably know each other! Even though I came into the family later on this story had me laughing out loud and then crying. I will pass this on to my husband and his sibs immediately following this comment. They are going to love it! I felt like I was sitting around with my in-laws reminicising about the old days!
Thanks for the wonderful story. It brought back many memories to us and our children.
This was Priceless. Touching and Funny. My parents were Team leaders for NY as well, and made their first weekend before i was born, so i grew up in the M.E. Environment, and while my reactions to the weirdness were somewhat different, I can definitely relate. Thank you so much!
Carolyn, thanks for the beautifully written story of your life as an M.E. kid. We were touched as we read it and can just imagine that our kids probably thought some of the very same things. God Bless, and we love you. : )
Great writer-very witty -you made me lrye (laugh and cry) -God blesed you with many gifts –the greatest —weird parents!!! I gotem to!
Great story – could just see everyone as she described them. The growth as an adult really made the story. Having grown up with “the Pope” and “Mother Superior”, our affectionate names for our parents, Carolyn made me appreciate that childhood even more. Great job
Another wonderful story Carolyn…keep up the great work
You are a genius! My childhood sounds strangely identical. We even had God loves you! rainbow bookmarks in every liturgical book in the house. Very heartfelt… and hilarious!
It’s so easy to ready Carolyn’s articles- they speak to me! She can take ordinary words and make them a window through which you can ‘see’ the experience about which she writes. Bravo!
You have such a way with your words…it is definitely God’s gift to you. I felt like I was in the room the whole time. And your conclusion was a gift to me…
What a GREAT, well-written, funny and poignant article. I wish my marriage was like that.
Well told, Carolyn! Very recognizable. Keep up the writing.
This is beautifully written, Carolyn. Your writing brings to light the conflicts of growing up with religious parents and the misunderstandings that may arise because of it. Also, the comical and witty delivery of your experiences are both touching and honest. Thank you for sharing this!
AWESOME story. What a sarcastic pre-teen you were, Carolyn!
I loved how you captured the beautiful memories and finally realized that your ‘proverbial cross’ was revealed as such a wonderful blessing to you. Hopefully it will lead us all to see such graces in our memories. Thanks Carolyn and give us MORE!
Fabulous story. You are very fortunate to come to the realization that your (embarrassing) family was a blessing.
LOVE this writer! This story was thought-provoking, intelligent and LOLOTS (Laugh Out Loud On The Subway)!
Great article! I, too, am a M.E. kid! and from upstate NY…Buffalo area…wonder if these are the same people who sat in my living room. Thanks for allowing me to relive these memories. And I can still remember singing….”There’s a new world somewhere…” Thanks again…
yep. i feel your pain.
I hope our kids will write like this about us one day! And they do call ME a cult! LOL
Once again, your story-telling and writing has taken me through a variety of emotions and have given me a chance to realize we all come from interesting families! I love knowing that your sarcasm and distrust of “the man” started way before we crossed paths! Keep up the wonderful writing!
Beautifully written and moving.
Thanks for a glimpse into your ME childhood. We are also torturing our children with ME couples. They also claim it is a cult. We have our gang sign, song and secret meetings. But their best friends are all ME kids! We love you!
Garry & Arla
Wow! Did this ever take me back! I’m sure that we persecuted our kids as much as Carolyn’s parents did to her. However, that weekend in June, 1974 changed our lives forever and I’ll not apologize or feel guilty. Two years later at separate Cursillo weekends, my husband and I both experienced our adult conversions and life has never been the same. When God touches you, there’s no saying what might happen. And now, 35 years later, we are still walking (perhaps a little more slowly) with the Lord and for 26 of those years with others in a covenanted charismatic community. Never any regrets! Never turning back! Wouldn’t change a thing. I thank God for Marriage Encounter and what it has wrought in our lives.
Because of Marriage Encounter, seven years after our marriage, I finally learned what “love” is. If you don’t know what it is, how can you fix it when it goes wrong? And it WILL go wrong! Keep it up Carolyn because … the love in your heart wasn’t put there to stay, for love, isn’t love, until you give it away! May God bless you and yours.
We are so grateful to have gone on a Marriage Encounter Weekend. This is our Family :)
So, I was forwarded to read this article by a very close family friend as there was mention of “Frank & Chickie”. Well, I happen to know “Frank & Chickie” personally as they are my parents! Frank still tells everyone he loves them & your guessing at Chickie’s real name, wasn’t any that you mentioned! Anyway, thanks for the great article. I will be passing it on to my siblings for their reading pleasure & review.
I an another of Frank and chickie’s children. Thanks Carolyn, it brings back many of the memories. By the way, Frank is not quite 80.
Dear one, know that you are loved and missed.Give our love to Dad and your brothers.Please get in touch with us.We read your story with tears of joy. Thank you for being the total gift that you are to so many.Mom is so proud as well. Yes I love you. Much peace and joy, Frank and Chickie
G’mon, people, WHAT’S CHICKIE’S REAL NAME?!?!?!? *grin*
My beloved spouse, Chickie, was Baptised and given the name Catherine.Peace,Frank..
well-told,accurate,funny and serious- WWME has moved and affected so many and our larger family is one we treasure!
As team leaders for several years in upstate NY, we identified with everything written. We remember Tony & Joan & Fr. Al well. Those were memorable years for us, thanks for the memories.
Our kids also grew up as children “of the movement” in both germany and the U.S. They learned to express feelings and ‘fight fair’ and be embarrassed by the public displays of affection that their parents shared. You eloquently shared the gift of love that your parents gave to you. We hope that it will be the same with our kids.
I smiled; I laughed; I cried. Thank you.
There’s a New World Somewhere” how many
meetings and prayer groups did we sing that song, the laughter, the sharing, the
weekend planning, the phone calls, busy,
crazy busy at times, Fr. Chuck and Fr. Harry, Bro. Ben and Fr. Jack, I have to
admit I miss those times and HDIF dialog.
Thank you so much for that beautiful sharing Carolyn and thank you Kevin and Winnie for forwarding this to Judy and Al, I love you and God Bless
What a story. I found out about from your dad. I am now a seminarian with him here at Blessed John XXIII. I am from ND but when we were in ME it was when we lived in Kansas. Our kids grew up in a home just like you. We had a 3ft x 3ft ME sign hanging in our living room. We were the first executive couple for the Dioceses of Salina Ks. It was the most wonderful time in our lives. Our kids now in their 40′s still talk about it with great affection. I have sent the article to them. We believed we could chance the world… and we did. On our headstone will be the ME motto.. Love one another. And next to it will be .. We did.
Keep Writing!
Patrick Cunningham
I am one of the kids from the above posted guy. (hi Dad, study hard) Loved the artical!!
Along with our 3ft ME sign in the livingroom, we also had pesonalized M.E. plates on our big green van. My parents had bright yellow shirts with the ME sign and “We are Lovers” on the front and “Pat loves Judy” and “Judy loves Pat” on the back that they wore. I have also never known them to leave in the car without giving the three car horn honk.
(the one ringers did drive me nuts. To this day I do not get up to answer the phone till it rings twice!!)
We still talk about the Garrets, Browns, Blumes, Shepards and so many others that were as close as family.
I grew up thinking that Fr Chuck Gallager was darn near as important as the Pope! I will never forget the National Convention in LA that us kids got to attend. I think it was theamed “Year of the Family”. My parents loved each other deeply and had an unshakable Faith, and I know ME helped shape that.
Shannon (Cunningham) Greenhaw
Stumbled on to your site and account of your parents encounter. I read it because my daughters experienced a lot of this stuff when growing up. To read it from your point of view has helped me to understand that they were right all along. My unrealistic expectations of them to join in all the lovey attitudes mustve confused them because they had already experienced love within our family. So what was mum going away to all these retreats. It was the Beginning Experience I went to after my marriage broke up for the second time.I tried to join in all the activities, entertaining others life experinces, wheeping and whailing to Bridge Over Troubled Water. Oh yes I did it all. Till the last evening, when viewing how more than cudly some of the priests and team were! my experience fell appart and I thought what have I got myself involved in now. Catholic Woodstock! What a perfect description I can’t stop laughing. Thanks so much for bringing us back to reality. God Bless
I also felt the pain of M.E and the failing marriage of my parents during my early teens. Luckily, despite the effort, it ended up in divorce.
My dad found his current spouse in M.E. so it wasn’t a total waste of time after all, at least someone got laid!
We made our Weekend in ’76 and it truly changed our lives. It reminded us of why we got married — to be with each other, not against each other.
We were involved in leadership in Philly and were going out to speak to couples in a Church to encourage them to make a weekend. Our 12 yr old dtr was really upset, “you’re going to that ME thing again!”
We sat here down, and said “you knew us before our Weekend, and you know us now. Which way do you like us, — we will become that couple.” She liked us better since our Weekend. “Do other children deserve what you now have?” “Yes.” “Well we are going out to talk to parents so their children can have what you have. You decide, do we stay or go.” “Go” And She never complained about ME again. She and her husband have made a Weekend, as well as one of our sons. We are working on our other daughter and our other son to make a Weekend.
Great story, by you. We have met so many couples as the ones you wrote about. Much success in your writing, and wish us success as we continue to work to invite couples to make a Marriage Encounter Weekend.
I was just laughing with a singing friend of mine this morning. She sang “I love you truly” at a funeral recently. I told her, if it was his choice, he would have, as I told her, “some goofy song about never finding another you” at my Mom’s funeral… And then I found this. Beautiful. Heartfelt. Touching. It’s good to know there are other people in the world tortured as I was in my childhood by parents who loved each other. And I love you, too!
This was such an entertaining look at a throughly wacky situation. You put so much heart into it. Lovely. :)
Some things are just not for everyone…
Some things are just not for everyone…
congrats on POTW mention..
Hi Carolyn –
Wonderful post. I passed it along to a friend (http://thesmittenimage.blogspot.com) who selected it for one of her “Posts of the Week.” Just in case you were wondering what that was about.
I had a few laughs over this one. My parents did “Cursillo.” Not quite the same, but close enough. I get it. I really do.
Cricket
This was very touching and brought a tear to my eye towards the end.
I remember being in the car not that long ago with my son, and the car in front of us had a “If the Rapture comes, somebody grab my steering wheel!” sticker on it.
My son said, “I kind of want to rear-end them.”
And I, not quite done raising him yet although he is twenty, said that life can be very threatening and confusing. That those people had found their lifesaver in this sea of life, etc. etc. and then ended with:
“But I still kind of want to rear-end them.”
I didn’t, of course :)
I’m so glad your parents had such a wonderful group of friends, who clearly were very loving, but the bumper sticker stuff still drives me insane.
This post is both incredibly funny and incredibly touching. I’m stopping by to congratulate you for having this post chosen as Post of the Week from The Smitten Image. Hilary is very selective in her choices so this is indeed an honor.
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