Comments on: Must Catholics Marry in a Church?

By: HermitTalker

HermitTalker — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:14:44 +0000

My considered opinion is to do what the bishops of France suggested decades ago and were torpodoed by the Vatican. Most of us know that marriage today is in trouble.Lots of annumlents of even long marriages. Lots of couples living together before the ceremony. More couples are in mixed denominational marriages, more ingerfaith Jewish and Moslem. One famous canonist who serves on Vatican congregations told me once that very few marriages today in the general US culture are sacrametally valid. Why not have the wedding and the hoopla away somewhere without priest or deacon. Get a blessing for the union quietly and simply with no fuss. The church building is often a mere nice backdrop for the mostly secular event. Sadly 25-40 year married couples ask for annulments and they are granted- either one or both was not ready for a marriage for life, or she/he they were not open to children. No games, lying, “Catholic” divorce as is often said. It was not a marriage. When one sees the huge cost today $50,000 for many, why get the Church as instutution involved in that when the priest or deacon is often sure they do not have a snowball’s chance in hell of making it.

By: Mike

Mike — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 21:34:11 +0000

What makes a Church sacred is not that it’s more beautiful than creation. What makes it sacred is man receiving God’s gift of creation – the stones, the sand used to make glass, etc. – and making it a dedicated offering back to Him. Marriage is a gift given to all mankind from God but what makes a marriage sacramental is a man and woman receiving this gift and making it a dedicated offering back to Him. Everything a man and woman do in the ceremony must reflect an adequate understanding of the sacrament they’re entering into. I have yet to hear a convincing argument on behalf of being married outside a church besides mere rationalizations of on an obsession with personal wants and aesthetics.

Furthermore, with a divorce rate of 50% among married Catholics, are they really in a position to tell the Church they know what’s best for marriage? With a little reflection you’ll notice that the divorce rate didn’t skyrocket because people were listening to the Church.

By: Kat D

Kat D — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 02:39:15 +0000

Chiara–I don’t know but do I hope so!! God bless you and congratulations on your marriage!

By: Kat D

Kat D — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 02:36:41 +0000

I married a nonCatholic in a beautiful Catholic church, and we brought in our outside priest for free. Our priest was funny and knew us very well. The church is a great place because so many holy things happen there, most importantly the changing of the bread and water into the body and blood with every mass. What an honor it is to have the major events of my spiritual life–the baptism, holy communion, confirmation, marriage–in that holy place! Thankfully churches are usually beautiful places. Yes, there are beautiful outdoor places too, and God is there too as he is in prison cells and lying homeless in gutters, but there is something particularly special about being allowed to celebrate your union in such a sacred space. If only we could appreciate the magnitude and the power of what goes on within on any given day…

By: Joan David

Joan David — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 15:30:24 +0000

Is it possible for you to be married in a church and hold your reception in their church facilities. I hope so.

By: Cathy

Cathy — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 16:33:08 +0000

I am struggling with this issue. I feel rejected and abandoned by the Church and am angry. I find the position of the church to be arrogant beyond belief to think that a man-made building is more sacred than what God himself created.

It was Jesus who said you do not need the church to worship. That God was all around you.

My father died when I was a teenager. He did not see the important milestones in my life. I asked my Uncle, to walk me down the aisle in his place.

A year after I asked him, he was diagnosed with cancer. We hope he will still be with us for the wedding, and because of his frail state, we opted to have the ceremony, reception and overnight accomodations in the same place to limit his physical exertion. We are getting married on a hilltop vineyard that overlooks a lake. Its breaktaking.

But since its not in the church, I cannot get married by a priest. I feel abandoned because all I ever wanted was my Dad to walk me down the aisle. Since this can’t happen, I wanted my Uncle. I feel like the church standing in the way of this happening.

So say that it must be witnessed by community and where the community worships is illogical. The marriage is not being witnessed by the community (unless they are invited guests). When you get married in a church, its a private ceremony…the general public does not come. So this whole, “witnessed by the community.” is a moot.

I don’t have a problem with God. Its the people that work for him that have it all wrong.

By: Chiara

Chiara — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 17:11:19 +0000

I have a somewhat different quandary. While I am not yet engaged to my serious boyfriend, we both intend to marry in the Catholic church within the next few years. Both of us are traditional Roman Catholics and he and I have to drive about 75 miles to attend Holy Mass at a church with dignified architecture and respectful Liturgy. The only Catholic churches in our area look like spaceships on the inside and outside, don’t even have an aisle to walk down, and in most cases, the tabernacle is hidden away in some closet in the back! Moreover, the liturgy of the Mass is not treated with respect at our local parishes. My father has a disability that is progressing very quickly, and his mobility is limited so he cannot travel far distances. Therefore, a wedding at the church that my boyfriend and I attend is probably unrealistic. However, about five years ago, I was seriously considering entering a community of cloistered nuns at a nearby monastery. Although God did not call me to that vocation, I am truly blessed to have gone through that discernment experience because it deepened my relationship with Christ and established a lasting spiritual bond with the Mother Abbess and the rest of the sisters at the monastery. I am still in regular contact with my nuns at the monastery and consider them part of my family in Christ. If I marry the wonderful man God brought into my life, I would want my sisters in Christ and my beloved dad to be at the ceremony. So, after this long explanation of the circumstances, would the Catholic Church allow for the Sacrament of Matrimony ceremony and mass to be conducted in the monastery’s public chapel?

By: Anne

Anne — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 19:48:47 +0000

I feel the rule preventing a priest attending a couple celebrating the sacrament of marriage by witnessing the couple saying their sacred marriage vowsng in the open air or in a place other than a church difficult to comprehend.

Firstly, Jesus is present everywhere and is present in the disposition of the people saying their vows. Jesus in the gospels often prayed outside with his followers and also fed all those people in the open air on a side of the mountain. Secondly, the people who witness the scarament in the church would also be capable of witnessing the sacrament in a lovely room in a hotel or on the side of a mountain. Finally, Jesus, in a resurrectional scene, fed Peter and his fellow fishermen on the beach. So, therefore I do not think the arguments that have been presented in the above thread convince me that it is necessary to celebrate the sacrament of marriage in a church building in order to make it valid. I have attened many holy masses which were celebrated in many different locations e.g. hotels rooms, backyard and tops of mountiains and each and every time there was an air of reverence.

By the way, how do we know that when Jesus attended the wedding of his friends in the gospel that it was held indoors?

By: Rose

Rose — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 18:05:04 +0000

In general, it is prudent for couples to base their choice of reception venue on the location/availability of the church–the celebration of the sacrament of Marriage is more important than the reception that follows it. That, at least, is how my husband and I recently dealt with the challenge of coordinating our wedding and the reception.

@Getting Married Outside–It is possible and quite common for priests to visit people in their homes to celebrate the sacrament of Anointing of the Sick.

By: Xochitl

Xochitl — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 16:46:41 +0000

Thanks Steve, I am beginning to look at different places I’d like to be married but also have financial issues. I want my wedding reception to be in a ranch which is (2 hours away from home) that brings elements of my cultural background but the nearest church is an hour away(total of 3 hours of driving for guests not including those people’s travel time of flying). Hence, why it would make sense to find another option. It’s just sad that I can’t seem to find a good option within my budget.

By: Steve

Steve — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 23:07:32 +0000

Dear Getting Married Outside,

I agree that the hoops you are having to jump through are ridiculous. For that, I apologize on behalf of Catholics everywhere. However, just because you are getting the run-around at the parish level does not mean that it is right to ignore the rules. As Catholics, the Catholic form of marriage is necessary for your marriage to be considered valid.

I recommend doing whatever is possible to be married within the church so that your marriage is sacramental. One possibility is to skip the limos. Another is to have a private ceremony at your local church and then a civil ceremony at the reception. Alternatively, perhaps you could just level with the parish officials and point out how ridiculous their regulations are – under Canon Law, you can never be denied a sacrament due to financial impracticalities. Finally, you can also ask about getting a dispensation from your bishop; in that instance, you can be release from your obligation as a Catholic to have the Catholic marriage ceremony.

I’ll be praying that the local parish officials come to their senses and that you make the right choice.

By: Getting Married Outside

Getting Married Outside — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 13:55:35 +0000

Both myself and my fiance are catholic and while our church is beautiful, it’s just too far of a drive from our reception location. I had looked into using the catholic church in the same town as the reception, however they told me it would be considered a “destination wedding” since we’re not using our normal church (ludicris!) and I’d have to pay the church $700 + get our own priest to drive up to our location (probably another $350) because they need their own priest to be there for their own parishioners. What? Not only that then I needed to rent limos for driving people here there and everywhere ($1000+) It became too much of a financial burden to do any of this so I opted to have the ceremony outside at the reception location. I’m having a reverend marry us since no priest would accommodate our hope of having a catholic ceremony outside. This whole business of not doing outdoor ceremonies is a silly and antiquated idea and pushes dedicated parishioners away from the church.

It’s too me a travesty that even sick individuals that have attended church every Sunday their whole lives can’t be visited for anointing of the sick in their homes. I think Jesus would say shame on you.

By: Confused As Well

Confused As Well — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 20:52:36 +0000

I am having the same battle. Serriously, this issue has become a battle between faith and religion. My faith in God tells me that the outdoors is the most perfect, simple, and appropraite place to celebrate both of us become one with God through marriage. My religion (and family) tell me that becasue I want an outdoor wedding I am not faithful, not Roman Catholic, do not love God enough or in the “right way.” I love God, Jesus, Mary and the Saints; however, I honestly feel like the Church does not want me to belong or be a part of it. This issue is just pushing me farther and farther from the Roman Catholic Church…but not from my God. I guess I will have to wait and see if I have the courage to follow my heart and my God or if I settle for making the Church and my family happy with it indoor. Peace be to all who are also struggling with this issue and may the Holy Family bless all new marriages.

By: Just In

Just In — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 15:25:03 +0000

In the end, it’s about what is most important. So the question becomes is the church more important than the dreams of its people.

For me, what is at the root of all this is the manner in which most/all religions are exclusive… Why in the world would we want to exclude others who are attempting to exress their love and share the celbration with others.

I just feel that this ‘grasping’ or exclusiveness is at the heart of so much suffering in our world. What could be wrong about openess, acceptance, comapssion, and understanding.

What if LOVE and ONENESS with ALL That Is, actually included ‘all that is’.

God, Jesus, Life… The bottom line is we are all in it together… I believe it is time for openess, compassion, and understanding. When will we learn I wonder… When will we let go of excluding and starting bringing in others to our hearts and communities.

What feels better to YOU? Being told yes, no, right, wrong, do, don’t do… or being welcomed, loved, understood, accepted as you are… There’s a big difference and it big enough to start paying attention to.

Thank you to everyone who’s sharing their feelings on this. For me God IS me, IS the world around us… He’s EVERY thing and so I treat every thing with love and equality (as best as I can). And I guarantee you everyone at my peaceful outdoor wedding will feel ‘His’ power and will be thankful for ‘Him’ bringing us all together to celebrate the promises my Angel and I are making to each other.

“Amen”

By: Diane Morrison

Diane Morrison — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 21:47:09 +0000

My daughter, Roman Catholic is marrying a Chinese gentleman. I am not sure of his or his family’s religious affiliation but his Mom adheres to Chinese tradition. Will a priest marry them in a hall so that my mother and I will feel comfortable that she will be considered married within the Catholic Church?

By: Kathy

Kathy — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 00:16:20 +0000

Another example of cafeteria Catholics. They say they are Catholics until they come across some church regulation they don’t agree with and then it’s Katie bar the door!

By: Brooke

Brooke — Mon, 31 May 2010 23:20:23 +0000

I attempted to post a comment several days ago. Was my comment malicious? I didn’t think so. I had hoped for some further explination or at least encouragment in my situation. I was honest in that I am struggling with feeling hurt and excluded in the process. I don’t feel that should exclude my comments from this talk.

By: D

Fri, 16 Apr 2010 04:47:33 +0000

Let me see if I understand you, Joseph Pedulla and Chris D… “Do it my way, or get the hell out.” Yeah, that sounds a lot like Jesus, who said to the woman about to be stoned for adultery, “You ARE Catholic, aren’t you? No? Go ahead and stone her, guys.”

By: mike

mike — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 05:27:11 +0000

Mary–

For the most part, the reason for having mass in a church fits with Jesus’ baptism in the Jordan. People were worshipping in community at the Jordan and following John. I don’t think that they exactly had baptismal fonts back then.

Today, people worship in a church where the community comes together to pray. The marriage of two people needs to be recognized in community and therefore you need to go where the community is and not vice-versa.

Lastly, as a practical matter, with most masses on the weekend, priests can’t be flying and driving all over the place to do weddings AND be available for Saturday and Sunday mass.

By: Mary Q

Mary Q — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 05:14:39 +0000

My wedding will take place sometime next year but the ceremony venue has yet to be chosen because of this very issue. My fiancee is Christian and I am of Catholic faith, but I prefer not to receive the sacrament of Marriage within the church–my older brother does not agree. Though I understand the concept of the sanctity of celebrating Marriage in a church, I believe that not all sacraments (or any) MUST be celebrated within a church. Was Jesus not baptized, OUTSIDE, in the Jordan River? Who made up the rules that we MUST celebrate these sacraments indoors? And to make things worse, your marriage is “not recognized by the RCC community” if you do it any other way. Ridiculous.

By: Chris D

Chris D — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 21:49:44 +0000

Those who reject the Church’s teaching are simply selfish. They want the Church to conform to their wants. If Jesus were here today, some would tell him they’d only follow Him if he cut His hair, or only if He didn’t travel so much. If you don’t follow the Catholic teachings, then you are not Catholic. Leave the Church already.

By: JOSEPH PEDULLA

JOSEPH PEDULLA — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 04:18:32 +0000

It’s a matter of obedience to Christ. The Church’s authority comes directly from Christ! What you want is one thing; what Christ wants is another. Obey, and stop whining about the beautiful outdoors. Christ came, at least in part, to show us that He is superior to his creation the outdoors, and that we have a higher calling than the trees and wind can bestow upon us. Being in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament is the most natural place a Catholic can ever be! What are we all becoming–Druids? Get your disobedient asses back in the pews and stop all the carping. When you disobey your Church, you disobey Christ.

By: Karen

Karen — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:28:14 +0000

After reading the comments on “Must Catholics Marry in a church?”, my concern is if anyone is listening/reading…looking around in our area Catholic Churches, they are full of the elderly ~ We need to work WITH these young please; not AGAINST them~ Would SOMEONE PLEASE recognize these sincere people and the simple requests they have…It’s 2009, not 1909… Thank you for LISTENING.

By: bridget

bridget — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 22:04:19 +0000

my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and i have been discussing marriage. we are both 30 years old and neither one of us has ever been married. each of us has been in several extended relationships with others, but never felt compatable enough to commit to “the rest of our life” with any of these subjects. he is my best friend and i am his. we look forward to every moment that we spend together, but we make sure to engage in activities apart from one another also…long story short…very healthy relationship.
i was raised in a very large devout catholic family. i am an active member of the catholic church and devote myself to service at masses a couple time a month.
he was raised a methodist, but doesn’t practice this religion. he does believe in God and Jesus Christ. he is very supportive of my faith and feels comfortable that our children will be raised catholic. he is a very giving man and wants nothing more than my complete happiness.
i, on the other hand, feel that i want to accomodate his happiness also…this is part of which make us a great couple…and i know that nothing would make him happier than an outdoor wedding. i feel that no matter where i am…god is present. no where does the bible say that there needs to be a building…it states “where two or more are gathered in my name…” and it also hurts my feelings that my faith will not support my want and need to bring him happiness to.

By: judy

judy — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 17:28:17 +0000

the reasoning is a bit lame. baptisms can be celebrated anywhere. and yes, it is wonderful to celebrate a wedding in a church, because that is where the community of believers generally gathers, since outdoor masses are held, that resoning goes out the window.
Also, what about a couple that chooses NOT to have a nuptial mass ?
As long as the priest or deacon officiates and the couple is married in front of witnesses and ideally a congregation of family and friends–how can the “official” Church teaching counter the validity of the sacrament ! There have been plenty of bad marriages made in cathedrals, with beautifully sung high masses, flowers, priests, bridesmaids, et al !!!
Let’s get back to basics, people. Remember jesus’ words about the coming times when we will be worshipping at the riverbanks !

By: D

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 17:23:31 +0000

However much people’s reasons for choosing to marry outside a Roman Catholic building may be trivialized by the Roman Catholic Church, the fact is that this matter is a significant factor leading many individuals and couples to abandon the RCC. I have performed dozens of weddings for couples who have left the RCC for just such nonsense rules that apparently remain so that the hierarchy can hang on to the vestiges of its one-time secular authority. Some priests, et al., really like to “call the shots” and say, “Sorry, it’s our way or the highway.” What a shame that the RCC would lose people for this and other debatable hard-line rules–not very Christlike, if you ask me. But, of course, you didn’t, because the RCC seems to care more for its rules than its people–either that or maybe you just don’t want it to rain on your silk damask vestments ;-)

By: Ann

Ann — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 00:36:19 +0000

This seems like a trivial topic to base a person’s faith on. What’s more beautiful than that walk down the aisle with all the people important in your life watching in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament. if it’s not just about romance why is there no problem with the sacraments that have to be celebrated in the church. If you love your church you won’t want to go anywhere els If it’s not that important to you there are all sorts of accomodations for outdoor weddings

By: D

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 00:35:17 +0000

For me this was the final straw that drove me away from the Catholic Church. The idea that God’s blessing, or a community, can only exist within an artificial, man made edifice is quite frankly ludicrous.
Furthermore, I do take exception to Fr. Larry’s comment that having an outdoor wedding is merely a “romantic” idea. Where better to experience God’s majesty than outdoor’s.
And finally, what makes this policy even worse are that exceptions are constantly made. Several celebrities have received dispensation to have outdoor marriages. Why is it good for them but not for the regular flock?

By: FrLarry

FrLarry — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:25:00 +0000

Part of the problem here is that our catechesis about marriage has been so poor that most of the couples who want “their” wedding outside of a church don’t have any idea that their wedding has anything to do with their community of faith. Instead, it’s all about their romantic moment in the spotlight. For lots of couples (regardless of the venue they choose) the church is simply a backdrop for the ceremony, and means nothing more to them than the reception hall or outdoor gazebo.

When I meet couples who want to be married outdoors, I remind them that such plans are easily ruined by such capricious elements as rain, wind, humidity and swarming insects. That romantic attachment to outdoor venues can be surprisingly fragile.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 16:04:29 +0000

This is one of a few reasons I am choosing not to be married in a Catholic church.