Interesting comments- and very similar to “live” discussions I’ve had. I also work for a church with sacraments, and my husband and I have helped with pre-cana days for about 5 years. The best comment from the video was that finding a church is different from hiring a hall because of the community factor. The priest & other church workers are correct in saying that we get a lot of “cold calls” from folks with no interest / understanding of community. Also correct is that the work of ministry becomes wearing. It is interesting that the priests (and lay ministers) are held to a higher standard than our engaged couples. We still have a notion that the work of community is to be done by the professionals (ordained or educated)… not so much in accepting the priesthood of all believers (baptism- anointed priest, et al).

Still… the seekers are right. If we who have chosen the role of servant leaders are worn down by the numerous cold / rude calls… our question should be ‘how do we renew & sustain our spirit of hospitality”.

Perhaps beginning a volunteer ministry for engaged folks would help. If a couple calls in for info, their name & phone is taken– a parishioner calls back and conducts a “congratulatory / welcomign interview”. He or she gets to know the couple, hears their story, etc THEN relates the rules, etc. If the couple wants to register and move forward, they can do so and then meet with teh priest. So we’ve cut down on his workload, introduced our newly returned couple to someone in the community (who will hopefully keep an eye out for them)… and isn’t that win/win, even if the couple marries elsewhere?

Not that this approach will satisfy all couples who come… but it’s a start, at least.

Amen, Jenn! I am a secretary at a medium-sized Catholic parish, and I regularly get calls from people asking if they need to be registered to get married! I got one the other day where the reception was already planned for JUNE (next month) & they wanted Father to show up & marry them–at a picnic pavilion! First, there is the 6 month beforehand waiting period, & then there is the fact that they weren’t members (never had been, or the parents of the couple, either). I am also a rel. ed. teacher for 2nd grade, & this year’s class had 7 CHILDREN (OUT OF 13) who had parents were not attending Mass. How can you teach children the sacraments when they can’t even tell you where the tabernacle is (we end up taking “field trips” to the church!) It is frustrating.

The question may demonstrate the ‘sense of entitlement’ many have today. No one has the ‘right’ to get married in the Church. The Church is the one who decides if the couple is ready or even suitable for marriage.

Dr. Whelan makes some pretty big assumptions when she talks about young people wanting to come back to the Church and raise their kids in the faith, etc. She then contradicts that when she says they’ll have to deal with this “jerky” priest for the next several months. Why only several months? If they saw their wedding as the first step back to the Church, they’d expect to “deal with” the priest for the long term: when they go to Confession, when their babies are baptized, etc. Whether she realizes it or not, that shows she’s thinking in terms of a temporary relationship with the priest that will end the day of the wedding.

That’s exactly what Fr. Andrews is concerned about, and what he hears in many of the phone calls he gets. Fortunately, we still have some beautiful Catholic churches, and plenty of lapsed or non-Catholics think of them when they start looking for a photogenic place to get married. Some also want to get married where Mom and Grandma got married (or maybe Mom and Grandma want it), regardless of the faith of the bride and groom. Priests get FAR more of those calls than they get from practicing Catholic parishioners who just got engaged.

I’m also not sure why both women in the video were so hung up on the fact that she wasn’t congratulated by someone she didn’t know personally. Surely we can all agree that not every engagement is automatically a good thing to be applauded? If the priest doesn’t know them, how can he know whether to offer congratulations or warnings?

TNcathguy, you didn’t attack anyone even slightly. All the attacks and name-calling in this thread have come from one very angry source.

Hi, K Beth! I appreciate your opinions on this website. I’m so sorry to hear that you had such a terrible experience as a former Catholic. I hope that you have found our Lord in another way that can be comforting to you. To me, whether you are Protestant or Catholic, it’s the Word of God that enters your heart and your lives.
I’m a cradle Catholic, and I love our Church. I had the opportunity to be married in the Church by a wonderful , understanding priest. Please do not think all priests are bad. Sure, there are some bad apples out there, but there are some good ones, too.
Good luck on your spiritual journey. May God bless you.

@TNCathguy- Warmest greetings. Your screen name and the fact that you describe Eric Andrews as a “pastor” and someone that you personally know suggests strongly that you are a young Roman Catholic male in a University parish– college age. Twenty or thirty years from now there is a good possibility you will remember this man differently than the way you now view him. Why is he spending time with *you* when he has already admitted being overwhelmed with people wanting his time and attention in general– to the point where he dreads a call from a new bride? In your case you are a possible new recruit for the seminary, and it sounds like they have been working on you. A significant part of Andrews’ job description would consist of rendering an ongoing sales pitch to fellows like you in order to further his bishop’s desperate efforts to address the American Catholic clergy’s pathetic rate of attrition. Surely you’ve heard about their vocations crisis before today, yes?

It is an unfortunate fact of life that people who appear at the outset to be genuine will disappoint you and Catholic clergy are well-known experts at this. Andrews could very well simply be using you for what he hopes he can get out of you rather than valuing you as a whole person. If you confront him with the question in later years my money says he will complain about how “busy” he is and avoid you unless you write him a donation check. In any case your only defense of Andrews boils down to: “he’s my personal buddy and I like him, so there!” That’s not much more than indicating he is your familial tribesman and you are faithful to the “team” you belong to no matter what.

You have suggested that my assessment of the American Catholic clergy is “shallow” because (you assume) I don’t know many clergymen or religious orders through personal contact. In fact I have known quite a large number of American Catholic clergy and Roman Catholic priests in other countries and other parts of the world for a lot of years–most while I was a regular attender at Catholic services, more recently than you probably have guessed. The molestation and cover-up scandals in the American Catholic church are just the tip of the iceberg– the compulsion of this country’s group of “Catholic” clergy to behave in abusive, callous and unhealthy ways towards non-clergy is quite pervasive, as these brides are experiencing. As soon as you stop being a potential seminary recruit, stop giving donations or providing free labor for their pet projects you will be treated very differently. It’s not what they are *supposed* to do if they live up to the teachings of Catholicism– sadly, it’s what they actually *DO.* Scripture has fallen by the wayside and all we are left with in this country is a mega-corporation’s self-perpetuating tea party– keeping up appearances for appearances’ sake and maintaining a permanent, comfortable, unquestioned and recession-proof living situation for the clergy who have forgotten what their true role was supposed to be.

TNCathguy, *you* are correct that one should not shop around for a clergyman whose haircut matches the bridesmaids dresses but it appears *you* did not listen to Eric Andrews’ video closely enough– you decided what you WANTED the point to be and convinced yourself that your buddy would agree with you and that his words mean what you want them to mean. In fact Eric Andrews said it was all right for people to pick and choose between more serious clergymen or slightly chubby doughnut-eating guys who play with frog dolls– shopping around. Also, he encouraged the engaged couple to bring gifts of food to the clergyman BEFORE trying to get on his appointment book for the pre-Cana process precisely because the priests feel entitled to deny the couple access to their services. According to Andrews the couple needed to butter him up to prevent him from pulling the various tricks and games designed to avoid engaged couples in the first place like being rude and negotiating tough financial terms as the first order of business and finding any way possible to be a discouragement in what should be a happy time. Eric Andrews is defending the rude behavior. According to his own words he thinks it’s a funny way for priests to manipulate people into leaving them alone and calling someone else. His laughter speaks volumes.

Many American Catholic clergy such as Andrews often feign a sense of persecution from persistent parishioners as a smokescreen to distract us from their insipid laziness and callousness. If a pre-Cana appointment costs five doughnuts, how much is the going price for an indulgence from clergyman Andrews these days? A whole chocolate cake?

If the American priests had been doing their jobs in the first place the pre-Cana process wouldn’t be such a hassle and a lost cause destined for divorce. It is the priests’ lack of concern for the souls of their flock for so many decades that has led to an American Catholic population of superficial, materialistic, unchaste (and often racist) heathens who have no knowledge whatsoever of scripture and don’t care to learn.

It’s the American priests’ own fault that American Catholic engaged couples present themselves in such a wretched fashion– they have been charged with the responsibility of teaching these people how to live as true Christians from birth; however, these people don’t know or care about anything spiritual– they only care about throwing beautiful parties. Maybe they learned that at the fish fry fundraisers.

PS– in all the “advice” Eric Andrews offered this woman he never encouraged her to pray or read the scripture.

KBeth, your extreme anger and rush to conclusion are disturbing. Fr. Eric makes an important point in a lighthearted way. One doesn’t shop for a church as for a caterer or reception venue. Priests are overwhelmed, and his suggestion that an engaged couple return to the community–they do want the sacrament of marriage–as they prepare is an excellent suggestion.

I completely agree that Eric Andrews (the “priest”) is a jerk. How typical of the shallowness that is the current essence of the Catholic “priesthood,” especially in the United States. Andrews shows no concern for the pastoral or spiritual needs of the woman who has already raised a red flag for help by indicating that she has not been involved in any kind of church life for a while. Instead he is glib and treats the whole thing as a laughing matter and suggests that she bribe the local priest with food in order to get on the schedule for a wedding in the parish. He is more concerned with having a full belly than he is with the very serious matters staring him in the face– He has even been so cruel as to laugh in her face and treat it like a joke when people call a parish looking for one of the sacraments, rather than an open door to begin reaching souls with the gospel (probably because he doesn’t care about the gospel as much as his next promotion from his bishop). NO WONDER so many people come to their senses and realize that collar-wearing careerists like him cannot be trusted on a regular basis and WALK AWAY from their local parishes and dioceses. People like Andrews make me ashamed that I was ever known by the label of “Catholic” and assure me that I was completely right to turn away from them and towards the Bible. Sad thing, when a church that is supposed to be dedicated to Christ instead becomes a bloated and bilious, morally bankrupt mega-corporation that spends more time and effort to protect child molesters from prosecution or to organize a beer-guzzling fish-fry fundraiser than to tend to the needs of souls.