God Bless and may the lord answer the desires in your hearts :)

http://www.awesomearchangel.com

1. Premarital sex. It’s a sin. It’s also a bad idea. Funny how that works, ain’t it? (Frankly I’d have pretty severe doubts about any religion that teaches that something is a Mortal Sin(tm) if the behavior in question weren’t demonstrably harmful.)

2. Premarital cohabitation (in the specific sense of _living in the same household_, which is not the same thing as _having sexual intercourse_, regardless of what the culture implies or any specific couple is also doing).

3. Young people who don’t want to make long-term commitments.

4. Columnists on Catholic web sites who give advice which conforms to the moral teachings of the Church, but is phrased in practical terms of how to live a good life, rather than moral terms of “toe the line or you’re gonna burn in Hell”.

I will assert that it’s not merely true but also very significant to the discussion that issues 1, 2, and 3 are not a single issue at all.

As to issue #1, I’m very much a reformed sinner. I made a lot of mistakes in my youth, and they cost me plenty, in both spiritual and temporal terms. As to #2, I’m probably an extreme outlier…with the exception of my mother, the only woman I’ve ever lived with is the one to whom I’m now happily married. (Yes, we lived together before we were married. No, we weren’t having sex. I know this is true, she knows this is true, God knows this is true, and whether anyone else believes it’s true is immaterial.) And as to #3…well, there are certainly a lot of folks out there like that, but I’ve never really been one of them. Neither, for that matter has my wife. I knew I wanted to marry her within 20 minutes of the first time we met (if it wouldn’t have been obviously creepy, I’d have proposed then and there), and although it took her about 7 years to come around to my way of thinking, by the time we started out as an actual couple, it was already pretty clear to both of us that marriage was our eventual destination…it was just a matter of dispelling potential problems, buying rings, finding an appropriate time for a formal proposal, scheduling the wedding, and dealing with the other logistical folderol.

As to #4, my opinion on the matter is simple. “Toe the line or you’re bound for Hell” is true, but has been massively demonstrated to be unpersuasive to the modern culture. For those without the gift of Faith, God has been so generous as to give us the persuasiveness of evidence. It is not a sin to use it…in fact, I’d wager it’s bordering on a sin to _not_ use it. People being led to virtue by instruction in the good life are still being led to virtue, which is what counts. People being turned off to the message of God by culturally tone-deaf preaching are thus left to Satan to do with as he wishes.

To those who would condemn Dr. Whelan because she speaks the truth in the language of modern culture, rather than the language of dogma, I reccomend attention to the gospel stories of the interactions between Jesus and the Pharisees. What is more important to you? Satisfaction of your own self-righteousness through observation of public piety, or the salvation of souls by any means available? If you are a true disciple of Jesus of Nazareth, our Lord and Savior, the latter must take precedence. Yet to many self-described Christians, the former concern quite obviously has a higher place in their minds.

In an article written by Cardinal Rigali, Archbishop of Philadelphia, the Cardinal brought out a “…very staggering and distressing statistic” about cohabitation in America.” “In 2004, more than 5 million Americans were living together in a relationship without the marriage covenant. In 1970, the number of persons living together, or cohabiting, was 500,000. Fewer than half of cohabiting unions end in marriage.” (Popenoe and Whitehead) Cardinal Rigali continues with a very insightful observation. He notes that most couples, even if they have not lived together previously, tend to do so when they become engaged. He surmises that it is out of a desire to get to know the one whom we will marry, in light of the high divorce rate. But as he warns us, this experimentation sheds no light on the commitment and permanence within our relationships.” (Cardinal Justin Rigali, Cohabitation or Covenant, October 28, 2006 edition of the Word Made Flesh, Catholic Standard and Times.) In the study Should We Live Together? by Popenoe and Whitehead, research found that “in their marriages prior cohabitors are estimated to have a risk of divorce that is 46% higher than for noncohabitors.” (Taken from Genesis and Beyond: The Divine Plan for Human Love by Peggy King and Marci Stone. http://www.genesisandbeyond.com)

I want this to be a column for you — and one that addresses your concerns as honestly as possible. So please do keep your questions and ideas coming!

And Phil, to answer your question: There have been studies that find that cohabitating with the person you marry has no impact on divorce rates, but to my knowledge there hasn’t been a study that says it HELPS. If there were such a study, we’d have to examine why–and then figure out how we could replicate those benefits while also following our faith.

Thanks for keeping the discussion going, and many many thanks to all of you for your kindness.

Best,
Christine Whelan

Early on they were asked what they felt was the most important concern or topic that needed to be addressed. After a brief silence, the answer was “…sexual activity among High School youth.” The chairperson responded, “I hope what you mean is ‘abstinence’ by Catholic youth.”
“No,” they responded. “We mean discussion of the realities, not just the ideal.” After some uncomfortable grumblings between committee members the chairperson called for order and said that this was the Catholic Church and the only reality was abstinence–end of discussion.

For far too long parents have buried their heads in the sand and left teens to fend for themselves. And so, they have. Unheard and unwelcomed they move on, more often than not, reluctantly.

Thank you Dr. Wheelan, for being a contributor to a website that addresses both the reality and ideal. I trust both the teachings of the Church and the spiritually intellectual arguments that brought about those positions. Meeting each spiritual seeker “where they are” is our strength as Church and is our example in Christ. Closing the door will solve no problems and may have, in fact, contributed to far more.

Thank you

I too come from a similar, tarnished-halo background. I really appreciate a Catholic place where I can feel welcome instead of judged :)