I have had to “break up” with friends because I wouldn’t date them. I’ve had friends who never wanted to see me again because I said no to the idea of dating.

I have an old ex who, after we broke up, for all intents and purposes did not feel the relationship changed much. It did for me, so I tend to gage how close the subsequent friendship is. I still feel guilty for breaking it off with him, though intellectually I also know that I had good reason (no abuse or icky stuff, btw).

Other people have rules. No friendship or contact after the relationship tanks. Frankly, in one case, this was a good idea, but I didn’t see it for at least five years.

There are also situations where learning how to be nice and polite, even manage some reasonable mid-level conversational interaction is appropriate. If, for example, one starts dating an individual who works in the same Young Adult Ministries, and it doesn’t work out, it’s vital to find a way to make interaction work and not become someone else’s problem.

Though in that case, I would recommend taking some time off from your duties if you can possibly manage it.

I have only once ever managed to become close to someone I’ve broken up with previously, and that took years of healing before we got back to our emotionally intimate standard. Not only that, but our relationship didn’t last very long, and therefore resentment didn’t stack over time.

So I guess I’ll say that you can become friends with someone you once dated, but don’t expect it to be as close as it once was.