Busted Halo
feature: sex & relationships
October 11th, 2012

Religious Compatibility

Sorting out what faith means to your relationship

 
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A couple places a candle during a Christmas Mass in Lviv, Ukraine. (CNS photo/Gleb Garanich, Reuters)

Question: My boyfriend is a “lapsed” Catholic and not that connected to organized religion. I have a more active and practicing faith. Should I be worried about our religious compatibility?

Answer: There are lots of details to consider, so let’s look at some questions that can help you discern if you need to be worried about your religious compatibility.

First, there are different types of “lapsed” Catholics. The most benign case is likely the most common scenario: a person who has stepped away from their faith, but is not necessarily antagonistic against the Church. If your boyfriend wants to remain Catholic, but hasn’t gone to Mass in a while, then attending with you may be the “excuse” he needs to return. Was there a specific event that caused him to step away from the faith? If so, then I would encourage him to talk about it and seek counsel from a clergy member. Sometimes an interaction with a priest at a critical time, such as during a funeral or wedding can turn someone “off” from going to church. If his faith just slowly fell off his radar, is he open to becoming more involved now with you?

Another type of “lapsed” Catholic is the person who had a difficult experience that didn’t line up with what he or she believed about God. Sometimes it’s hard to feel God’s presence or understand “why” when prayers for protection and healing appear to go unanswered. Is your boyfriend questioning God’s goodness, or power, or love? Is he questioning truth found in Scripture and Tradition? If so, this is great! What’s so great about it? Questioning, and searching, shows that your boyfriend still longs to be with God. Somehow, his “trust” has been broken. I would encourage your boyfriend to start seeking answers. Reading books, using sites like this one, or talking to religious mentors and clergy are just a few ways to discover answers. Does he feel comfortable talking to you about his questions, or does he feel he may disappoint you if he was honest about his lack of faith? Make sure that you can hear his concerns without judging or arguing with him.

The final type of “lapsed” Catholic is the one who rejects everything the Catholic Church teaches. Our faith has some very “countercultural” teachings, and they can be hard to accept. Seeking answers is very different from being antagonistic. If your boyfriend is in this last category, then know that your faith will likely become a point of tension and conflict in your relationship.

Sharing faith

Ok, enough questions about him. Let’s look at where you stand in all this. It sounds like your boyfriend still considers himself to be Catholic, then the question becomes how important is it to you that he, or a future spouse, share in your level of practicing your faith? Let me stress how personal this decision is going to be. There is not “one” answer.

Are you comfortable going to Mass alone, or do you strongly believe that a couple must worship together? Can you go to Mass by yourself and not secretly feel resentful? Are there other activities in the Church that your boyfriend will participate in if he doesn’t go to Mass? What about the other sacraments? Are you ok with possibly not having a Catholic wedding, or a wedding ceremony that includes Mass? I’m not sure how serious your relationship is right now, but would your boyfriend be supportive of raising children in the faith?

Attending Mass and being active in a church community are the “doing” parts of our faith, but there is also the “being” part of “being Catholic.” Do you desire to pray together? If your boyfriend attends Mass with you, is it the same as sharing in the faith together? Would that be enough for you? Is your boyfriend open to spiritual growth? As an active Catholic, I would imagine that your spiritual life and your religious life are one in the same, and that you would like to share both.

My husband was dating a lapsed Catholic before he met me. She refused to attend Mass with him and eventually told him that she would never be open to a mutual expression of faith as part of their relationship. After much agonizing, he discovered sharing his faith was extremely important to him, and he ended the relationship. In another couple I know, one partner lacked faith and decided to attend RCIA to learn more about it. They are happily married and very active in their church. The question remains: if he never changes from how he is today, how important is religious compatibility to you?

This is a discussion to have as a couple, but no matter where it lands, remember he cannot do it “for you.” A person’s faith is a very personal decision. I would strongly advise against “missionary dating,” where you are the missionary and your boyfriend is the one you are trying to convert. If he simply tries to “become more Catholic” in order to keep you in the relationship, then it won’t work. But, if he is open to deepening his faith through his own journey, then you may find a middle ground where you are both comfortable. Remember, the strongest witness you can give is to live your faith in ways that are tangible: giving mercy and forgiveness to others, living a life of chastity and charity, recognizing the dignity of every individual, refraining from gossip, respecting life, and honoring God.

If you continue to have concerns, then listen to those concerns and keep working until you find peace about it. I hope these questions can begin a discussion that will be fruitful for you both, not only as a couple, but also in an examination your faith.

Do you have a relationship question for Michele? E-mail us!

 
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The Author : Michele Fleming
Michele Fleming, M.A., is a counselor, national speaker, and writer on Christian relationships for CatholicSingles.com. Michele has a master's in clinical psychology with an emphasis in the integration of Christian theology. She is currently completing her Ph.D. and her research is focused on dating and relationships. She is a member of the Christian Association for the Psychological Sciences and the American Psychological Association. Her website is www.michelefleming.org.
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Please note that the editorial staff reserves the right to not post comments it deems to be inappropriate and/or malicious in nature, as well as edit comments for length, clarity and fairness.
  • Nishii

    You can go out on a date for any number of resoans. All a date really is is to enjoy the time and event and company of the person you’re with. No strings have to be attached. Being in a boy/girl relationship becase you enjoy each other and have feelings for each other is not just simply dating. You have more or less made a commitment to each other of sorts. It may or may not involve actual love for one another, esecially if the two are so young. But it does mean the two think they have an attraction for each other at least beyond a basic friendship. Being in love involves feelings dee for each other’s company, trust in each other and a devotion to one another, wanting to share two lives together as one.

  • Elizabeth

    Thanks for this article. I thought I would share my perspective from the other side of this story. When my husband and I first met and started dating, I was non-religious and fairly skeptical of Catholicism. I believe our relationship worked because both of us were able to share our religious and spiritual perspective freely with each other. I grew to understand his faith and he grew to understand my doubt. We both grew spiritually from our relationship. We both had a need for a spiritual dimension to our relationship, so I don’t think it could have worked if either of us had been unable to go on this journey. We had to be fully open to each other, which included being open to our different religious perspectives.
    I went to mass with him regularly throughout our relationship and read many books about Catholicism and Catholic Spirituality, because I wanted to understand his faith. I particularly remember being strongly affected by the writings of Ronald Rolheiser, and I would recommend his books to anyone exploring Catholic spirituality. Over time, and under no pressure from my husband, I grew to love mass and the eucharist and the holidays of the church and, eventually, I went through RCIA.
    I agree with the advice of the author. The need for religion and spirituality within a relationship is personal and varied. But I would imagine that even if your partner never returns to the church, both of you can grow spiritually by being open to the other’s perspective.

  • Emily

    Great article. My first marriage ended in divorce, and while we had discussed our differing religions at length before we were married, it ended up being a major reason for our split. I think the biggest thing it comes down to is you have to be able to honestly answer the question “Is this going to be a big deal?” I married hoping that he would change his mind, and it became a big deal when he refused. Likewise, you have to see if your partner is respectful towards your beliefs. If he refuses to attend Mass, join you in a rosary from time to time, or even discuss raising your possible future children in the Church, you have to decide if you can make the relationship work. In my case, I wasn’t able to, although I know many couples who are able to do so. Everyone is different, and I know that if I ever DO get married again, I will marry someone who shares my faith. It is entirely a decision that you have to make, but after the end of my marriage, I would encourage you to do so honestly and look at the total picture.

  • kellyd

    I thought your comments were were excellent. I’m married to a non Catholic for 43 years & our faith differences have come up several times. We had a lovely church wedding & our children were raised Catholic BUT it’s hard to explain things to children who do not see it in the home. My husband does not go to church & tried to remain neutral, which cannot be done! I’ve gone to Mass alone & you are right, it is hard not to be resentful at times. HOWEVER, I pray that my husband will find his way to a faith in God & I do believe he’s moving closer…not to Catholicism but he’s moving in the right direction! Prayer does help but religious differences do take their toll…this is not to be taken lightly, as it’s a lifelong issue. Thankyou for sharing this question & your well written response.

  • Adam

    Michele, I thought this was a very well written article. I am a very lapsed catholic and my wife has a very strong faith. Our faith differences was something that we talked about extensively before our wedding, and something we continue to talk about now.

    I think you offered a very realistic and hopeful take on the scenario, and your questions were great ones for couples to consider.

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