Comments on: What Works: When a parent is an alcoholic or addict

By: Julie Chlarson

Julie Chlarson — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 09:27:44 +0000

As I read your article again tonight I think back to the family gatherings of the last few years and recall that my siblings were a part of the on-going drama of a family entangled in addiction. Practicing patience and tolerance and setting limits for myself were part of my survival kit. I would not fuel the fire and if things got too out of control, which they sometimes did; I would leave, taking my children with me.
One other thing for those of us who do use a support group or 12-step program: I always check out ahead of time when and where the nearest meeting is so I can “go to a meeting” and get some balance if needed. I always made an arrangement with my sponsor or a close friend to be able to call them on the phone if I needed to talk, and I used my Spiritual Director as a sounding board for how to keep the spirit of the holidays central. My mother has passed and my father lives across the country and sadly, none of my siblings have any contact with me or each other; so our opportunity for healing has passed. I still pray on a daily basis for all of us to be healed and protected. It is true, in my opinion, that addiction is a family disease and it will continue to cause us harm unless we continue to work on our recovery.
Thanks again Phil for writing a great spiritually oriented point of view.

By: Zbridget

Zbridget — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 23:35:35 +0000

I can relate to how as a child, your respect for your parents were damaged when you realized you could outreason them at a young age.

My daughter is 8, my husband has been sober for almost 2 months and he doesn’t understand why she doesn’t respect him. I get to play referee.

I have resisted going to AlAnon meetings because I don’t really need to join in a pity party about how my life stinks. My husband has been attending AA and meeting great supportive people, and taking it one day at a time. Perhaps that is what my family needs to do as well.

By: biteofpunkinpie

biteofpunkinpie — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 21:43:53 +0000

I’m sitting here crying having read this article. I think that your words speak true, just as much for children (or those married to children) of mentally unstable people. I know that my husband suffered years of abuse at the hands of mentally unstable parent and continues to be unfairly treated to this day. I have resented this treatment for so long b/c I believe that my husband (who is SUCH a good man) deserved better. Your lines about “doing the best they could” and not “having the tools to be a good parent” are ringing true to me. Not only have I resented the parent this person was for my husband, I have been mourning the relationship that I wanted to be able to have and cannot.

Forgiveness is so difficult, but this holiday season I am going to try deperately to seek it within my heart and act accordingly. Seeking God’s grace I hope to be able to stop “needing what cannot be given” and accept the situation for what it is.

Thank you thank you thank you.

By: sarah

sarah — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 20:11:19 +0000

DBt sessions taught me three simple steps for dealing with an unsafe relationship: 1. Reduce Expectations 2.Increase Self Care 3. Reduce Contact when appropriate….
Thanks for an insightful article that get’s to the spiritual heart.

By: petrina7

petrina7 — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 15:25:09 +0000

hie- and thank you so much for writing this column. i’ve been struggling with the after-effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family, but what i know for a fact is that God is with me through this process of discovery and forgiveness.
i like the bit on being ‘parented’ by God, my mum and dad did the best they could, but sometimes my heart flares up in resentment and it takes so much out of me just to let my heart hook up to my head and remember, they did what they could…esp re my dad who was a victim of abuse himself. Forgiveness, yes, and maturity through being guided by the Heavenly Father. i have no other role models … so yeah, thank God for God, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

By: Julie Chlarson

Julie Chlarson — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 06:30:48 +0000

I appreciate your article and agree with most of what you said. I was involved in ACA and ACOA groups years ago and left them because they were mostly eternal pity parties. However, I did do a lot of personal work and therapy about my own issues and forgiveness and between the counseling and spiritual direction was able to reach a point where I could forgive my parents. It came at a point where I could visualize each of my parents as children and realizing that they too had been victims of parents with alcoholism/addiction and they were just living out what they had learned.
I believe that the key for me besides working on my spiritual life on a daily basis is to learn how to be present in the moment and clearly acknowledge who I am and what my purpose is; and to see that God is in everyone of us. My aunt shared with me about “Practicing the Presence” and it has helped me accept each person and honor the presence of God within each of them.
Thank you for the work that you are doing with this blog.

By: Linds

Linds — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 01:04:30 +0000

so i just stumbled upon this article, two months after it was written, and i wish i could have read it about two YEARS ago when i was really struggling with these issues. my father has since passed away, but your words about forgiveness and allowing yourself to be parented by God are still so meaningful to me. so often these issues are pushed under the rug around the holidays – thank you for writing this!

By: kellywarbee

kellywarbee — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 22:45:14 +0000

The holidays have come & gone but these issues stay year round for a lot of people. It took me years to understand that my parents were deeply flawed & ill equipped to be parents, BUT we are all children of God. By knowing God forgives me my faults & actions, I was able to finally forgive my parents. I can’t change the past but I do strive to live in the moment & do the best I can & figure that will take care of the future.

By: Mary

Mary — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 12:02:46 +0000

I wouldnt visit my parent under the circumstances, Christmas or not. We dont have to tolerate the self indulgence of others.I grew up with an alcoholic parent who stopped instantly one day without intervention in his early 60s because of embarrassment of his pride. It proved to me that he could have stopped anytime all along.

By: Carla

Carla — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 14:58:41 +0000

Thanks for writing this. It’s very relevant to me right now; and I’m taking a deep breath as I plan my trip home for the holidays. Hopefully I can put it into practice. Blessings to you!

By: John McCoy

John McCoy — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 17:36:44 +0000

Great piece. But the painting is actually called “The Drunk”, not “The Drunk Father”.

By: Bernadette Noll

Bernadette Noll — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 17:25:44 +0000

On our Slow Family Living site we have a simple e*book for making the holidays work for you and for your family. It’s full of questions, ideas and inspiration for making your holiday full of comfort and joy rather than fear and loathing. And we encourage everyone to ask, on a regular basis, Is this working?

http://www.slowfamilyliving.com

By: Mark

Mark — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 22:58:17 +0000

Phil, great piece! The next-to-last paragraph is what hit me hardest because it has been my struggle. Without the unconditional love from my parents I struggled for many years with believing that God loved me unconditionally. You are so right that the act of being compassionate (even internally) to our parents as a flawed child of God opened my spirit to beginning to accept God as my ultimate and intimate parent. Thank you for writing this in a way that spoke so deeply to me and gave a voice to my experience!