In my column a few months back about nonnegotiables, I talked about Julia Cameron’s concept from The Artist’s Way of the “artist date” — where you make a playdate with yourself to do something creatively enriching. I am following up with a whole column about it because this is a powerful spiritual tool. While she was suggesting it specifically for people in creative professions, it’s useful for everyone. So, I want you to make a weekly date with yourself to do something creatively stimulating.

I described it in the earlier column as, “a culturally enriching activity… two hours a week for a museum, show, hike in nature, stroll and dinner in a new neighborhood. Consider buying the subscription, not just individual tickets, to a local classical concert series.”

Dates with yourself can be spiritually useful in several ways. First is the obvious enrichment of whatever you are exposing yourself too, whether it be art or nature. We all can use more beauty in our lives. Much, though certainly not all, art touches the transcendent. It can be so easy to go from home to work to gym to home, dividing time between job and chores and people in our lives, looking after the maintenance of our bodies but not our souls, letting week after week go by without any creative activity.

If you need a little practical encouragement, consider this: whether you apply creativity directly in a job or not, exposing yourself to creativity can stimulate new thinking which can help with any kind of problem solving. This was the principle behind the liberal arts education, and it remains as valid today. The best project leaders, and not a few CEOs, are not MBAs or highly technically trained specialists, but rather, the leading students from liberal arts programs, who’ve read the Greek tragedies and Shakespeare, learned foreign languages and studied philosophy.

Suggestions for solo playdates

There are no rules about what the activities are. These should be fun, or at least genuinely interesting to you. But be honest with yourself about whether you are avoiding stuff that might take you deeper.

• Go to a concert, any concert. I’m not saying what kind of music; that depends on your taste. If you were going to be taken to a concert, what would you want it to be. Consider buying a season subscription so you’re exposed to new things. Stretch your interests further, just as you might if someone invited you to a show you normally wouldn’t consider. If you’ve never been to the opera or an original-instrument baroque concert, try it. How about improvisational jazz? Death metal? I’m not saying to do something you will find annoying, but keep an open mind.
• Go for a hike in the woods, or a stroll in the park — something in nature, as long as it’s a serious several-hour project. Again, do some research as you might if you were planning to take someone else on an adventure.
• Explore an art museum; don’t rush through it or worry about covering everything. Take as much time as you want on each item. Let your reactions to the art determine the pace and route.
• Go to a science or nature museum. See a planetarium show.
• Explore scent, the most ignored sense in the modern world: visit a botanical garden, bake bread, or attend a religious service that uses lots of incense and pay attention especially to it.
• One of my favorite ways to be creative and pamper myself is to cook elaborate meals just for me. Though this is at home, it fits the bill of a solo date. Make something interesting and impressive, and plate it attractively as you would if you wanted to please someone else.
• Attend a lecture concerning something that fascinates you. It doesn’t have to be a “serious” topic, just something that gets you excited.

Doing it for yourself

And this may sound a little corny, but spending time with yourself — not accidental time when nothing else has come together, or do-nothing laying around time, but intentional scheduled time — is self-loving. If you have a tendency to ignore your needs in order to be there for others, or if you have trouble avoiding enmeshment with a partner, doing the occasional thing just for you can be powerful, empowering.

I spent a number of years in a relationship doing only activities we could do together. Not only did I resent her for the fact that I wasn’t “getting to do” things I enjoyed that she didn’t, but looking to her to be my sole source of entertainment and companionship was a setup for frustration and disappointment. When I stumbled into an activity, political work, that she wasn’t interested in — and that mattered to me enough that I did it anyway — suddenly I was out on my own several times a week; it was very good for the relationship.

Making dates with yourself even when you are in a committed relationship can head off serious resentments towards those for whom you are deferring your interests.

And whether you live alone or not, if you make no plans and spend every evening at home with the TV, going on dates with yourself is saying you deserve to be doing interesting things. If you’re reluctant because you think everyone else at a concert or play is on a date, look more closely next time; you’ll notice that plenty of people aren’t — they’re single or doing something separate from their partner.

While it is critical in Cameron’s version, I’m not going to say you can never involve another person in your solo date activity. Because some things can be more fun if shared — trying a new restaurant, going to a movie and talking about it afterwards. The critical factors are: a) it can’t be an actual date, i.e., if you go on an artist date with someone you’re interested in, it just becomes a date date; b) it’s critical that it be your thing, your interest — you’d be doing it if they weren’t there; and c), the other person needs to be completely on board with the concept and the focus must remain on the experience — you can’t be making small talk the whole time. So do it if you really want, but be very wary.

Beware your inner killjoy

Unless you make a deal with yourself that you will value these solo dates, they probably won’t happen. So I encourage you to make this commitment to yourself:

“Once a week for two hours minimum, I will do go on a playdate with myself, away from the house and alone. I will be a good date. I will respect how valuable my time is and plan an activity that is fun and enriching for me.”

So, along with the enriching experiences, the healthy non-enmeshment with partners, and the enhanced spiritual connectedness these creative solo playdates may offer, the experience of struggling with them may reveal deeper insights. As when I work with people struggling with meditation, you may find that you have designed a life that carefully avoids time that opens you to self-reflection. Which might be the most valuable gift you get from this exercise.

As Cameron says:

“Watch your killjoy side try to wriggle out of it. Watch how this sacred time gets easily encroached on. Watch how this sacred time suddenly includes a third party. Learn to guard against these invasions…. You are likely to find yourself avoiding your artist dates. Recognize this as a fear of intimacy — self-intimacy.”

See the sidebar for some suggestions of solo date activities. And share your past or new experience with solo dates or, if you’ve done the Artist’s Way, with artist dates, below in comments or by email to phil AT bustedhalo (dot) com.

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