Comments on: Can we keep our civil marriage a secret from our priest and then get married in the church? http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church an online magazine for spiritual seekers Sat, 26 May 2012 14:48:25 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Alli http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/comment-page-1#comment-18365 Alli Tue, 25 Oct 2011 01:57:52 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-18365 It seems many of us are in similar hard places! We choose to get married in "secret" civilly (except both of our parents knew and supported our decision) when we found out we were pregnant. Instead of rushing a trip down the aisle, we choose civil for insurance reasons etc with the full intention of a full out "big bash" wedding in June 2012. I'm am confused though because when we spoke with our deacon today, he told me I could not have my big wedding- he said a validation is only the priest, couple and 2 witnesses. This took the wind out of my sails big time and it is all I can do to not freak out!! However, I am reading on this forum that you can have a big wedding still despite the civil marriage. I understand it will really be called a validation, but why would he tell me I can not have the white dress, bridesmaids/groomsmen flower girls etc? It seems many of us are in similar hard places! We choose to get married in “secret” civilly (except both of our parents knew and supported our decision) when we found out we were pregnant. Instead of rushing a trip down the aisle, we choose civil for insurance reasons etc with the full intention of a full out “big bash” wedding in June 2012. I’m am confused though because when we spoke with our deacon today, he told me I could not have my big wedding- he said a validation is only the priest, couple and 2 witnesses. This took the wind out of my sails big time and it is all I can do to not freak out!! However, I am reading on this forum that you can have a big wedding still despite the civil marriage. I understand it will really be called a validation, but why would he tell me I can not have the white dress, bridesmaids/groomsmen flower girls etc?

]]> By: Jennifer http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/comment-page-1#comment-18122 Jennifer Thu, 06 Oct 2011 16:16:27 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-18122 One you should not hide your first marraige, it's like lying and you don't want that...it's a sin. Your church will be very understanding, my husband and I are legally married but now going to be married in the church, our pastor is doing a great job in helping us with our steps and very proud of telling him. Have trust in your church, God is there to support you. One you should not hide your first marraige, it’s like lying and you don’t want that…it’s a sin. Your church will be very understanding, my husband and I are legally married but now going to be married in the church, our pastor is doing a great job in helping us with our steps and very proud of telling him. Have trust in your church, God is there to support you.

]]> By: Susan http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/comment-page-1#comment-18024 Susan Mon, 26 Sep 2011 15:58:49 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-18024 ladyduke, I am in the same situation as Carlene and you. I am engaged to a man in the army (he is in Kentucky and I'm in New Jersey). He will be moving to Oklahoma in January and we are planning a wedding for June 2012. However, if we were to get married now, it would be a huge help financially, plus, the military could pay for my moving expenses, his base pay increases, housing money increases, etc. Everyone in his family is on board with the wedding; in my family, everyone is on board except my dad. I plan on moving out to OK next year, but we want to get married in a civil ceremony without telling our parents. UGH! This is hard. What are your thoughts? ladyduke,
I am in the same situation as Carlene and you. I am engaged to a man in the army (he is in Kentucky and I’m in New Jersey). He will be moving to Oklahoma in January and we are planning a wedding for June 2012. However, if we were to get married now, it would be a huge help financially, plus, the military could pay for my moving expenses, his base pay increases, housing money increases, etc. Everyone in his family is on board with the wedding; in my family, everyone is on board except my dad. I plan on moving out to OK next year, but we want to get married in a civil ceremony without telling our parents. UGH! This is hard. What are your thoughts?

]]> By: ladyduke http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/comment-page-1#comment-15777 ladyduke Mon, 02 May 2011 17:36:40 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-15777 Calene. I am in the same situation now as you were in a year a a half ago... what did you end up doing? We have been trying to figure everything out for months and nothing seems to be a good answer. Calene. I am in the same situation now as you were in a year a a half ago… what did you end up doing? We have been trying to figure everything out for months and nothing seems to be a good answer.

]]> By: Terri Lopez http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/comment-page-1#comment-13447 Terri Lopez Wed, 19 Jan 2011 16:04:11 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-13447 You will also need your sacraments to get married through the church. My husban and i recently tried and we both were babtized and did our 1st communion but not the confermation so we had to go to class for a year before we could get married to get our confermation so my husband sd no he dsnt like school or class. I have not given up I am stil ltrying to talk him in to it You will also need your sacraments to get married through the church. My husban and i recently tried and we both were babtized and did our 1st communion but not the confermation so we had to go to class for a year before we could get married to get our confermation so my husband sd no he dsnt like school or class. I have not given up I am stil ltrying to talk him in to it

]]> By: maryd http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/comment-page-1#comment-7688 maryd Mon, 25 Jan 2010 00:16:27 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-7688 several of my friends and a cousin have had their weddings and receptions about a year apart. you could have a small, church wedding (just the best man, maid of honor, the 2 of you, the priest, and God). now, you'll be married both civilly and sacramentally. when you're ready, send out invitations to your big bash. you might renew your vows at a ceremony on the grounds where the wedding reception is to be held. you'll probably enjoy the party more than a bride and groom do on their actual wedding day. MEANWHILE .... I caution you that if you think your families will see your wedding as something that should wait, give some thought and prayer to that. they may be right. several of my friends and a cousin have had their weddings and receptions about a year apart.
you could have a small, church wedding (just the best man, maid of honor, the 2 of you, the priest, and God). now, you’ll be married both civilly and sacramentally.
when you’re ready, send out invitations to your big bash. you might renew your vows at a ceremony on the grounds where the wedding reception is to be held. you’ll probably enjoy the party more than a bride and groom do on their actual wedding day.
MEANWHILE …. I caution you that if you think your families will see your wedding as something that should wait, give some thought and prayer to that. they may be right.

]]> By: cathyf http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/comment-page-1#comment-6183 cathyf Tue, 29 Sep 2009 02:03:44 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-6183 An interesting coincidence. 2-1/2 weeks ago, my neighbor's fiance got a job 1000 miles away. They decided that they could not afford to move separately without her having a job, too, and that they would not live together without being married. So they got married. Two hours ago, in fact. And they are leaving tomorrow morning in the rental truck, and he has to be at work on Monday. Everyone in their families is thrilled that these two put more stock in their moral beliefs than the wedding industry's norms of having an elaborate wedding with months/years of planning. My husband and I started dating right after he had accepted a 2-year fellowship in Europe. He left 6 months later. After a year, he came back and proposed, and we set our wedding date for a year later. He was on another continent until 5 weeks before the he wedding. So I feel your pain! But a big difference was that no one was shooting at my husband -- if, God forbid, anything happens to him, you want to be his next-of-kin, and as "just the girlfriend" you won't have that. A lot of this is about stepping up to the plate and being an adult. When you marry, you make a life-long commitment to carry these burdens for each other, and you get the legal, cultural and family support to carry out your promises. Keeping secrets deprives you of those structures. An interesting coincidence. 2-1/2 weeks ago, my neighbor’s fiance got a job 1000 miles away. They decided that they could not afford to move separately without her having a job, too, and that they would not live together without being married. So they got married. Two hours ago, in fact. And they are leaving tomorrow morning in the rental truck, and he has to be at work on Monday. Everyone in their families is thrilled that these two put more stock in their moral beliefs than the wedding industry’s norms of having an elaborate wedding with months/years of planning.

My husband and I started dating right after he had accepted a 2-year fellowship in Europe. He left 6 months later. After a year, he came back and proposed, and we set our wedding date for a year later. He was on another continent until 5 weeks before the he wedding. So I feel your pain!

But a big difference was that no one was shooting at my husband — if, God forbid, anything happens to him, you want to be his next-of-kin, and as “just the girlfriend” you won’t have that. A lot of this is about stepping up to the plate and being an adult. When you marry, you make a life-long commitment to carry these burdens for each other, and you get the legal, cultural and family support to carry out your promises. Keeping secrets deprives you of those structures.

]]> By: Carlene http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/comment-page-1#comment-6180 Carlene Mon, 28 Sep 2009 05:43:55 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-6180 Cathyf, I wish it were that easy. I would LOVE to include both of our families. I just know that both sides would feel we are rushing it and wouldn't be happy. We would get nothing but negativity. And I don't want that. I want to be happy with him and when we are husband and wife to only have positive thoughts. I don't want us to have to not only deal with our lives (military separation, etc) but also our parents being unhappy about our decision. I'm afraid I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I'm wrong if I do and wrong if I don't. :/ I'm not really sure what we should do. I feel like I have to choose between making mine and my fiance's lives a little easier but having the stress of dealing with unhappy parents - or making things difficult for me and my fiance so our parents aren't unhappy. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on the circumstances) both of us care deeply what our parents think and we hate disappointing them. Which is why we were thinking about keeping it a secret and then telling them a few years later, when it wouldn't matter anymore. I know it seems wrong, but I'm at a loss. Any suggestions??? :( Cathyf,

I wish it were that easy. I would LOVE to include both of our families. I just know that both sides would feel we are rushing it and wouldn’t be happy. We would get nothing but negativity. And I don’t want that. I want to be happy with him and when we are husband and wife to only have positive thoughts. I don’t want us to have to not only deal with our lives (military separation, etc) but also our parents being unhappy about our decision. I’m afraid I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I’m wrong if I do and wrong if I don’t. :/

I’m not really sure what we should do. I feel like I have to choose between making mine and my fiance’s lives a little easier but having the stress of dealing with unhappy parents – or making things difficult for me and my fiance so our parents aren’t unhappy. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on the circumstances) both of us care deeply what our parents think and we hate disappointing them. Which is why we were thinking about keeping it a secret and then telling them a few years later, when it wouldn’t matter anymore. I know it seems wrong, but I’m at a loss. Any suggestions??? :(

]]> By: cathyf http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/comment-page-1#comment-6157 cathyf Sat, 26 Sep 2009 03:40:22 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-6157 In many countries the civil and religious weddings are completely separate ceremonies. (In England, for example, only an Anglican wedding is both religious and civil -- everyone else goes to the registrar's office first, and then to the church or other house of worship.) Carlene, I would recommend that you NOT keep this a secret from your families. Instead, make arrangements for a small private civil ceremony, and just have whomever of your closest friends and family can come. Then in 22 months have the big wedding and party. Trust me -- you'll hurt a lot of people's feelings if you exclude them from the fact that you are married. Everyone will understand -- you are dealing under special circumstances. And anyway, as my husband and I tell brides and grooms, it's about <i>being</i> married not <i>getting</i> married -- and being married is wonderful! In many countries the civil and religious weddings are completely separate ceremonies. (In England, for example, only an Anglican wedding is both religious and civil — everyone else goes to the registrar’s office first, and then to the church or other house of worship.)

Carlene, I would recommend that you NOT keep this a secret from your families. Instead, make arrangements for a small private civil ceremony, and just have whomever of your closest friends and family can come. Then in 22 months have the big wedding and party. Trust me — you’ll hurt a lot of people’s feelings if you exclude them from the fact that you are married.

Everyone will understand — you are dealing under special circumstances. And anyway, as my husband and I tell brides and grooms, it’s about being married not getting married — and being married is wonderful!

]]> By: Carlene http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/comment-page-1#comment-6154 Carlene Fri, 25 Sep 2009 20:39:55 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-6154 My question is similar to JJ's. My fiance is in the military and not being married is making life extremely difficult. It would be much easier if we were married. (Pre-deployment/access to base/health insurance/etc) We want to get married in the Catholic church and we want a big beautiful wedding. Yet, because of training and deployment, we can't have that wedding for another 22 months, which is fine. We know we love each other and we know we want to make our commitment known to God. During that time though, not being married is causing problems. We were thinking about getting a civil marriage certificate but we don't want anyone to know. If we go to a priest a year later would he be willing to perform the ceremony as he normally would, so our families won't know about the previous marriage certificate. We aren't concerned with the priest knowing the truth, just our families. Thank you My question is similar to JJ’s. My fiance is in the military and not being married is making life extremely difficult. It would be much easier if we were married. (Pre-deployment/access to base/health insurance/etc) We want to get married in the Catholic church and we want a big beautiful wedding. Yet, because of training and deployment, we can’t have that wedding for another 22 months, which is fine. We know we love each other and we know we want to make our commitment known to God. During that time though, not being married is causing problems. We were thinking about getting a civil marriage certificate but we don’t want anyone to know. If we go to a priest a year later would he be willing to perform the ceremony as he normally would, so our families won’t know about the previous marriage certificate. We aren’t concerned with the priest knowing the truth, just our families.

Thank you

]]> By: Mike Hayes http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/comment-page-1#comment-3587 Mike Hayes Tue, 26 May 2009 14:59:57 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-3587 JJ-- I'm not sure what you are asking here about "exceptions" and military service. If you are asking if you can get married after a quickie civil ceremony because of a pre-deployment because of military services then the marriage can indeed be convalidated but only after going through the same marriage preparation course that everyone else goes through--especially if the marriage was entered into hastily. Please let us know what you are asking and we would be glad to help you. Thanks, MH JJ–

I’m not sure what you are asking here about “exceptions” and military service. If you are asking if you can get married after a quickie civil ceremony because of a pre-deployment because of military services then the marriage can indeed be convalidated but only after going through the same marriage preparation course that everyone else goes through–especially if the marriage was entered into hastily.

Please let us know what you are asking and we would be glad to help you. Thanks, MH

]]> By: jj http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/comment-page-1#comment-3566 jj Tue, 26 May 2009 03:48:12 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-3566 Anyone have any experience with exceptions such as a spouse's involvement in the military? Pre- deployment? Access to base? etc? Anyone have any experience with exceptions such as a spouse’s involvement in the military? Pre- deployment? Access to base? etc?

]]> By: UkrainianGirls http://bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/comment-page-1#comment-2426 UkrainianGirls Thu, 09 Apr 2009 10:19:21 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-2426 I think that it is a very interesting and amusing article. Practically all its main points are true. I think that it is a very interesting and amusing article. Practically all its main points are true.

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