Shortly after my sons were born, nearly 20 years ago, I joined a men’s spirituality group. I learned a lot about being a dad from the caring men in that group, with the deepest wisdom coming from Joel, a retired Presbyterian minister, spiritual director, and men’s spirituality leader. He said that anthropologists have observed that, across cultures, every father, whether he is a dad to children or a fatherly presence in a community, is called to tend to four spiritual tasks — to be a source of order, to carry burdens, to feed others, and to bless. I’ve spent two decades learning how to do this; I’d like to share some of my experience with you.
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A source of order
I became conscious of what it means to be a source of order when I asked an elderly friend to talk about the most impressive person he ever knew. In an emotional yet gentle voice, he spoke of his father. “He was steady. Like a building, you expect it to be steady. Every day, you know it’s going to be there. It will be the same. I could always trust he would be there. He was not a pretentious man, but he was steady.”
We’ve all seen, in one setting or another, the opposite of the man my friend described. The unsteady father’s face is seen in the moody colleague, the unpredictable boss, the man who boils over with rage. I have compassion for such men, because I recognize that I, too, have the potential to be that way. But I’ve learned that with God’s grace I can make a daily commitment to being this steadiness, this source of security, of stability, of order. I work toward being this kind of man through practices that include connecting with stories of father figures who role-model these characteristics, monthly spiritual direction, and beginning my day by saying a “Hail Mary.” I remember Joel saying, “Let’s get the beginning right, then we’re on the right trajectory.” I begin my day by saying “yes” to God through this traditional prayer, “yes” to what I am being invited to give and receive.
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Carrying others’ burdens
To be able to bear the burdens of others, we must first confront and bear witness to our own. After all, we can only lead others as far as we ourselves have gone. As I navigated my mid-20s, I realized that if I did not do the inner work to allow my own woundedness to be transformed, I would transmit it to others, primarily to those closest to me. For me, the Spirit’s healing came through sessions with a good therapist, regular connection with other men on this journey, the guidance of my spiritual director, and a discipline of prayer. This work was humbling, and empowered me to nurture a more compassionate, patient, and listening heart. I learned that facing my own vulnerability and shadow opened a deeper sense of solidarity and empathy with the burdens of the human condition.
Feeding others
Feeding and tending to the physical needs of children is a major responsibility of parenting. Just as important is nurturing and sustaining their interests and goals, while being careful not to impose my passions, my dreams, and my vicarious expectations on them. My younger son, for example, is a budding paleontologist. While dinosaurs aren’t my cup of tea, when I noticed his growing interest, I took him on road trips to natural science museums. It didn’t matter if my eyes were glazed over as we wandered the halls of fossils — his were bright with excitement. Among my most treasured mementos of fatherhood is a birthday note from him saying, “Thank you for encouraging my interests.”
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A source of blessing
Finally, fathers are called to bless — to share God’s love and affirmation with others. In my first teaching job as a newly graduated, laughably naive 23-year-old, an older Jesuit colleague pulled me aside after the first month of school and said, “I can see the kids like you, you have a good way with them. We’re lucky to have you here. You have what it takes to be a teacher.” He was blessing me — letting me know that I was seen, that he appreciated me. His affirming words gave my confidence a boost; I felt recognized and cared for by this seasoned veteran. Mindful of the power of blessing words, when I became a dad, I blessed my sons every day before our walk to school. As I made the sign of the cross on their little foreheads, I would say, “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.”
It has taken me decades, but I have learned to live into my vocation as a man who can be a father figure who orders, carries, feeds, and blesses. To be a good father in my family, my work, my church, and my broader community is to humbly cooperate with a larger love that orders my steps. By recognizing and tending to my inner work, I learned how to be a bearer of others’ burdens, how to nurture fragile hopes. It is now my greatest joy to share the blessing of that love with others who have the privilege to be “fathers,” in whichever way they serve that sacred vocation.
Brian B. Pinter is a teacher, writer, and spiritual director in New York City. His podcast series “Growing in Faith, Hope, and Love” can be found here.
