I was walking down the church aisle following my fellow classmates in a single file line so I could be confirmed as an adult of the Catholic Church. I had been preparing for this day all year. I definitely looked the part with my fancy new dress and cross jewelry that my mom helped pick out, but I couldn’t shake the thought, “Am I ready to be confirmed?”
My year preparing for Confirmation was filled with confusion and frustration. I was 12 going on 13 and in seventh grade when our school had us make our Confirmations. Growing up as a cradle Catholic, I often felt like I was following a roadmap. There’s Baptism, First Communion, Reconciliation, then Confirmation. Then you’re Catholic. Simple. But for me, I didn’t feel like I was a good enough Catholic, certainly not good enough to be an “adult” in the church. I only went to Mass when my school required it, I didn’t feel God’s presence when I prayed, and I never went to Confession. So I didn’t really feel like I was ready to be confirmed — because why would the church want a bad Catholic?
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I didn’t really understand why we were confirmed as children instead of adults. I certainly felt too young and too imperfect to be an adult of the Church. Besides not feeling the presence of God, I wondered why there were so many Catholic rules that feel arbitrary. I didn’t like going to Church every single weekend because I felt like I was zoning out for an hour and not absorbing anything. I didn’t understand Confession because it seemed silly that the priest, a human man, was the one listening to my sins. Surely someone like me would make a horrible Catholic.
Even with all my doubts, I went through the Confirmation preparation just like everyone else in my class. I was too shy and too nervous to tell anyone about my uncertainty. It didn’t seem like anyone else was struggling with the idea of being confirmed, so why should I? Besides, it wasn’t as if Confirmation was an awful process. I was unsure that I was ready, but I wanted so desperately to feel confident in being confirmed. I surprised myself by bringing my concerns to my chosen saint, St. Julia of Corsica.
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St. Julia of Corsica was a relatively unknown woman. I picked St. Julia because at the time, I thought the name was pretty. Angsty little me didn’t care about the meaning behind choosing my Confirmation saint because I was too worried Confirmation wasn’t right for me anyway. But once I started researching St. Julia, I found out how interesting her story was. I admired her bravery and loyalty to God even though she was kidnapped from her home, sold into slavery, and crucified for refusing to renounce her faith.
I started praying to Julia every night up to Confirmation. I found comfort in talking to someone who had also experienced confusion and frustration. My problems were always a lot less intense than Julia’s of course, but I liked that she persevered in her faith, even when it was challenged.
Something I wish I would have told myself during this time is that it’s okay to not be perfect. I don’t know anyone, 12 or 21 years old, who is a perfect Catholic. At the time, I was uncertain about whether or not I was good enough to be confirmed. As I reflect back on my younger self, I actually see a lot of courage and perseverance because even though I had doubts, I continued to pray and hope.I wish I would have looked at Confirmation as my journey finding my connection to God and working on myself every day.
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Now I look back on when I was younger and think, I was far from perfect and I didn’t always feel God but that didn’t make me a bad Catholic. What I want for the next generation of Catholics is to feel confident in their decision to be confirmed, not because they follow all the right steps, but because they will grow a lot after Confirmation. I think I saw Confirmation as an event that would make or break my faith but now I see it as the first day of the rest of my spiritual journey.
I wish my younger self would have realized faith is not a linear path. There is no formula that will make me into the perfect Catholic. Even after we go through all the initiation sacraments, we have work to do when it comes to strengthening our connection to God. Although I wouldn’t change anything in my spiritual journey that has shaped the person I am now, I hope anyone preparing for their Confirmation takes time to realize that they don’t have to be the best Catholic ever to receive the sacrament. God accepts everyone in every stage of their life.
