Editorial note: The following article contains mentions of pregnancy/infant loss.
The desire to become a mother took me by surprise. Beyond early childhood years of wanting five daughters named after American Girl dolls, having kids wasn’t on my radar. However, after two years of marriage, I faced the possibility of having kids with a heart of hope. What I didn’t know at the time was that an unexpected diagnosis would make becoming pregnant more challenging than I ever thought possible.
“You have PCOS. How has no one told you that before?”
I met my doctor’s gaze through the webcam. I had pushed for a meeting after months of being seen by well-intentioned but uninformed medical technicians. This diagnosis came after working with OBGYNs, holistic practitioners, and even acupuncturists while on the search for an answer to family-building. The diagnosis, though, was less of a path forward and more of a cul-de-sac.
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Turning towards Mary’s holy help
I knew God was listening. However, He felt far away. I needed a girlfriend with whom to commiserate, a mother figure who would help me. I thought about this during my weekly Thursday night Adoration hour.
“Am I not your mother […] how else can I help?”
I reread the last line of Mary’s message under a painting of Our Lady of Guadalupe on the wall of my parish’s Adoration chapel. I figured if I needed help on the journey toward motherhood, who better to rely on than the Mother of Mothers? My heart began to ease as I spoke.
Holy Mary, I ask for your help. That you would intercede for me and ask God that if it’s not His will for me to have a child, to please, please, take the desire from my heart.
After another disappointing fertility cycle, I decided to try one more time. My husband, who never pressured me to have children, agreed I should take a break if this next one didn’t pan out.
Mary, I ask for your help again. For your holy intercession through Jesus Christ, your son my Lord, to God that it could be his holy will that I become pregnant this time.
As I called out to Mary, again and again, words appeared in my mind. In my head I heard, “I will help you become a mother because you first went to my mother.” I was still as that notion began to increase my confidence that maybe it was almost time.
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Mary’s light in dark times
A week after my 35th birthday, the doctor’s office confirmed that not only was my positive at-home pregnancy test accurate, but also — I was having twins. After the initial shock, I imagined my bump and how I would reveal the news. My prayer life and budding relationship with Mary continued to grow as well. It all felt too good to be true, but I pushed those thoughts away.
At 12 weeks, I woke up and went into the bathroom. I was bleeding. Terror filled within me as I sat there trying to figure out what to do. My husband turned on his bedside lamp and we called the doctor.
The on-call nurse said I would need to wait until the doctor’s office opened. As I laid on wet bed sheets, I saw my grandmother’s painting of Our Lady of Guadalupe hanging in the room across the hallway. My eyes locked on her serene face and hands folded in prayer and thought, “Am I not your mother? How else can I help?”
Oh Mary, please help me. Please help my babies. Keep them there. Oh Mary, please.
My reliance on the Holy Mother’s intercession and listening ear was all that I had, and I found it to be the only thing I needed. Later that morning, I was bumped up to be the first seen by the medical technician. I burst into tears when she found two beating hearts.
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At the beginning of my journey to motherhood, I felt that there would be a natural conclusion to my prayer — a time when I wouldn’t need to rely on the Holy Mother as much as before. First it was becoming pregnant, but she was there during my pregnancy to hear my fears and joys. Then, I thought that after I gave birth, the journey would conclude and I wouldn’t have to “bother” her so much. However, I still rely on Mary every moment of every day.
When my boys wake up, I thank her for praying over them during the night. I ask her to watch over them as they explore which comes with the inevitable toddles and falls. Mostly, I ask her to help me to be the best mother I can be in each moment. To not stress so much about the little things, but to continue to trust in God. I jokingly ask her to pray for my kids through my mistakes while I earnestly navigate the learning curve of motherhood.
My path towards motherhood led me to Mary’s perfect example of seeking light through dark times. Mary’s faithfulness to God and her unceasing love continues to be an option for all of us to choose daily when seeking hope.
