Father Dave welcomes Ann Koshute to discuss how we can support Catholic couples facing the hardship of infertility. Ann is the co-founder & executive director of Springs in the Desert, a Catholic ministry dedicated to accompanying those experiencing infertility and loss through community, spiritual resources, and faith-based support. Springs in the Desert and Ascension also collaborated on a new prayer and reflection series called “Scripture and Saints for the Path of Infertility” now available on the Ascension app.
Ann shares her experience with infertility. “I’ve never been pregnant, and my husband and I don’t have any children. For me, it definitely was suffering in silence; a lot of isolation, loneliness, and sadly, even in our pews, feeling like we don’t belong,” she begins. “We pull into church in the parking lot, and there are the [large] passenger vans, and then we come in, just my husband and me. It’s like we’re not living up to some ‘ideal’ of the Catholic family. These are the kinds of emotions that people who come to our community also express all the time.”
LISTEN: Fatherly Advice: Coping With Infertility
“Father God is the author of life, and so we have to just surrender to him,” Ann continues. “He creates our bodies in such a beautiful way to partner with him in co-creation, but for some of us — for a temporary time, or perhaps the whole of our marriage — that is not going to be a gift that we receive. However, that doesn’t mean that God is not giving us gifts or he has forgotten about us.”
They discuss the “Scripture and Saints for the Path of Infertility” series. “There are 15 episodes, each 10 minutes or or less. They flesh out the stories of different saints and biblical figures in ways that can be relatable to the people who are walking on this path,” Ann says. “We have a companion Marian novena that goes along with it. The response has been so great; there’s such a hunger and need for accompaniment and companionship, and for somebody to say, ‘Hey, this is hard, and I understand.’”
In addition to Biblical characters, like Abraham and Sarah, who faced infertility, Ann offers an example of one episode that focuses on “the holy myrrh-bearing women.” She says, “These are the women that followed Jesus and served him, and then they were the first to hear about the resurrection. I relate that to our marriages to how, in serving each other, that pours out into how we can serve others. We take some interesting twists on these stories, and I think people will really like it, even if this isn’t your cross to carry.”
Krista shares how infertility is common in her age group, and asks Ann for advice on how to support those on this journey. “We’re friends with a couple who have suffered at least one miscarriage, and now they’re trying to figure out what their next steps are,” Krista says. “What is your advice on how to be present and show up for them? I think we’re afraid to say the wrong thing, and so we say nothing, which is worse.”
RELATED: How My Struggle With Infertility Deepened My Relationship With Mary
Ann responds, “I appreciate that question, because people often don’t know what to say and we often receive a lot of intrusive questions or insensitive remarks. …The answer is really simple but hard, and that is just be present; just love them.”
“If it’s something they want to talk about, talk about it with them. Follow their lead. Maybe they don’t want to talk about it or they say, ‘Once in a while, you can check in, but every time I see you, please don’t ask me, because it’s too much.’” Ann continues. “Also, this is really important: affirm these women, affirm these couples and their marriages. Say, ‘I know this is so hard, but I also want you to know that you’re such an amazing friend.’ Or, ‘You’re such a wonderful part of this family or of the parish. You have so many gifts to bring.’”
Ann concludes, “Don’t feel like you have to say the right words or come up with a solution. We’re not here to be fixed, and you can’t fix it anyway, right? So just love them and be there for them.”
