It is a sadly common phenomenon for parents to become estranged from their adult children, and Father Dave welcomes Dr. Kathy Koch for tips on nurturing these relationships. Dr. Koch is a Christian speaker, author, podcast host and the founder of Celebrate Kids, Inc. Her new book is called, “Resolve Conflict and Find Peace and Hope with Adult Children: Strategies and Conversations that Work.”
Dr. Koch describes how God invited her to use her gifts to serve families. “God kept using Deuteronomy [Chapter] 6 to call me into a ministry to parents, because that passage says that parents will always be a child’s most important, first and foremost teacher — [but] they’re under-trained,” she says.
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Dr. Koch shares what inspired her to write a book for this audience. “I just kept hearing the stories from parents of adult children who were devastated by the decisions that the adult children were making. They were upset and concerned about the distance that was forming between them, and wondering why that happened,” Dr. Koch says, and offers practical suggestions for those with fraught relationships with family.
“Listen longer…when somebody shares with us why they’re distancing themselves, or why they don’t go to church anymore, rather than interrogating them, just wait to let the silence linger and invite them to keep talking,” she says. “Just say, Hey, can you tell me more? I want to understand you. As you listen to the story unfold and listen to their concerns, you might then discover something that you can then either ask or say that will be truly helpful and beneficial.”
Dr. Koch highlights how fractures often form when an adult child gets married and new in-laws are introduced. “We have to understand that loving [in-laws] is going to take a while. You don’t automatically wake up in love. You can agree to like and get to know each other, but love is not going to be an automatic emotional response,” she says. “So wait for it, and don’t get afraid if it doesn’t happen immediately.”
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“Pray that you know you’ll handle transitions well.” Dr. Koch continues. “I think what really happens a lot is we just miss our children. If you have a son who gets married and moves away, or even if he doesn’t even move away, he needs to bind closely with his wife. He’s not going to come over for dinner even every Sunday.”
She continues, “It’s okay to miss your son or daughter…That emotional tug sometimes warps into disagreement, dissatisfaction, or anger, when, in fact, this is what you raise them for — to be able to launch and go out into their own and establish their own families. Deal with that and talk about it.”
