A listener named Phillip asks Father Dave a question about guilt while grieving the death of a loved one. He says, “My grandpa Oscar passed away a couple months ago. I administered chest compressions, and it did not help. I feel guilty. He was 92, but I really tried to save his life. My question is, if it’s God’s will, why do I feel guilty?”
Father Dave begins, “Sometimes our emotions are not logical, and it’s okay, particularly when we’re talking about grief.” He references an EMT’s attempts at life-saving care and how they are not always successful. “To feel guilty that the chest compressions didn’t work is a natural reaction that perhaps even professionals have, but don’t feel guilty that you necessarily did something wrong.” Brett notes that Phillip may find solace that he did all he could do to help, rather than if he did not administer chest compressions.
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They discuss how many struggle with God’s will surrounding death. Father Dave says, “If what you’re saying, Phillip, is why can’t I just tell myself, ‘He died; so obviously, it’s God’s will. What the heck is wrong with me, why am I experiencing emotions?’ Well, because we do experience emotions. That’d be like me gathering a family who’s crying at a funeral and saying, ‘Stop crying people, it’s God’s will.’ Obviously, that’s not the way to deal with that.”
He notes that being Christian does not take away our human emotions when grieving. “If you listen to the funeral prayers, there’s plenty about us in our sadness. Even some of the Scripture readings we pick say that in heaven some time off into the future, God will wipe away every tear,” Father Dave says. “For me, when I’m preaching at a funeral, I reiterate to people that [that moment] is not today. It doesn’t mean that we should feel bad about crying, grieving, or missing grandpa, or about other outcomes. All of that is because we’re human, and really because you love him.”
Father Dave highlights how there are different ways to grieve a loved one and wishes Phillip comfort. “It sounds like you’re questioning whether or not you have a strong enough faith. You’re almost saying, ‘Well, if I had more faith in God, I wouldn’t be grieving or I wouldn’t feel guilty.’ It’s not that easy; we’re not robots. It’s okay that you grieve, that you question.”
“If we look to the Scriptures, God gave us his word, and in it there’s people lamenting, crying out, there’s people frustrated; all of that is part of the human condition. God wants us to express all that to him.” he continues. “If you have an experience of grief, guilt, or even anger or sadness, none of those mean you don’t have enough faith. All of those mean that you are a human being.”
Father Dave concludes, “My advice to you, Philip, would be to allow yourself to grieve, pray in the glory of the resurrection, that because your grandfather has passed into the arms of the Lord, we believe that he will be embraced into God’s heavenly kingdom. Again, I’m not going to say don’t feel guilty, but I’m going to remind you that whatever feelings and emotions you have, those are not in contradiction to your Catholic faith.”
