Father Dave answers a listener’s question about forgiveness. Lynn asks, “Do you forgive the sinner and not the sin? People must be accountable for their actions, even if there is forgiveness — yes?”
Father Dave begins, “I appreciate the distinction you’re making…Do we forgive the person and not the sin? All of us are called to forgive those who sin against us; That’s what we say in the Our Father. So we’re forgiving the person, but I wouldn’t parse it so much as to say we don’t forgive the sin.”
“It’s very important to remember that in Catholic teaching, our spiritual lives, and relationships with other people, forgiveness is different from the justice that is deserved,” he continues. “Lynn said people should be accountable for their actions, even if there is forgiveness. Yes, absolutely they should.”
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Father Dave stresses how Jesus calls us to forgive, even though it is difficult. “I continue to maintain, after 25 years of priesthood, that offering people forgiveness genuinely from our heart is the hardest thing we do as Christians,” he says. “It’s harder than believing in the Eucharist. It’s harder than forking over some money in the collection. The absolute hardest thing we do is forgive people when they have genuinely harmed us.”
To help those struggling with this virtue, Father Dave offers some examples about what forgiveness is not. “I think it’s important to say that forgiveness is not condoning the sin,” he says. “[You could say] ‘I absolutely forgive you from my heart. I forgive you because Christ commands me to forgive you, and I believe that my salvation is tied up in that. But I need [you] to know that it really hurt me, and I have to ask you not to do that again, or to say that again. If this keeps happening, we need to work on our relationship.’”
“Forgiveness is not the same as some emotional cleansing that suddenly makes us feel great about them again. If it’s someone that has genuinely harmed us, it’s not going to magically go away,” Father Dave continues. “One of those other trite phrases that we say is forgive and forget. That’s not realistic. We don’t forget very quickly anyway, nor does our faith call us to that.”
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Father Dave also underscores that forgiveness is not the same thing as a reconciliation of a relationship, and offers the example of an abusive marriage. “The Church says that even within a marriage, yes people have pledged to be together, but somebody’s physical safety and their life overrides that commitment to ultimately stay together or stay under the same roof. The Church teaches us sometimes separation of the spouses is the best and most healthy thing to keep people safe and alive.”
He concludes that forgiveness is a decision that we make in our hearts. “It doesn’t necessarily wipe the slate clean or make us instantly feel any better about the situation. It’s just a difficult thing that we are called to do by our God, to make a sacrifice,” Father Dave says. “The more undeserving they are of the forgiveness, the more it genuinely is a spiritual act of love.”
