No one ever gets married thinking they will go through a divorce. I know I never did.
I got married in the Church at 26 years old, thinking that I knew everything I needed to know about life and love. Blessedly naive and emotionally immature, I was not prepared or ready to get married. Almost four years later, I found myself in a crumbling marriage with an addict, filing for divorce, and starting the annulment process.
I never wanted any of those things for my life. Now I am so grateful for them because they have helped transform me into the woman I am.
As a Catholic woman in her early 30s, I knew I wanted to begin the annulment process sooner rather than later so I could get married in the Catholic Church again someday.
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While there are varied experiences of going through the annulment process, for me, it was deeply healing. I saw the annulment process existing out of the mercy of Jesus; that I didn’t have to be bound in something that was not life-giving or good for me.
Part of the annulment process involves filling out a questionnaire inquiring about things like family history, the timeline of your relationship, and what events led one or both persons to seek an annulment. The questions forced me to begin to take responsibility for the ways I contributed to our failed marriage (which were plenty). I was surrounded by an army of people who loved and held hope for me — my family and friends, priests I knew, my spiritual director, even the priest whom I worked for at the time. Their support through this experience showed me what it was to be loved and cared for amid the greatest suffering I have ever known.
Because of my experience, I was moved to minister to other divorced Catholics: women who call or email me from articles I shared online in different faith spaces, or people in RCIA. As a pastoral associate in a parish, I led and facilitated support groups for Catholic women going through a divorce.
I have spoken at parish retreats and on podcasts sharing my story. Eventually, I was trained in the Archdiocese where I lived to be an advocate, a lay person who walks with a divorced Catholic and helps make the case to the tribunal on their behalf. I have cried with people, held space for their experiences, and prayed with them. I am only an expert in my own experience which has helped me to accompany other people in their own journey.
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Amid all of that, I will say my views on the annulment process have changed over the years. I equally understand the reasons why the process exists and have as many concerns to the barriers the Church creates for couples by this process — mostly because of the personal experiences of people I encountered. The requirement of an annulment to become Catholic, even if the divorced individual was married civilly. I met some adults who needed annulments to become Catholic, but their current spouse was not open to it. In situations like that, people could not be received into the Church without annulment. That is a painful, harsh reason to prevent someone from becoming Catholic
Another woman I worked with needed two annulments before entering the Church. She was willing and did it, but I also saw the pain that resurfaced as she had to relive trauma from these previous marriages. I think the process itself creates a lot of hoops for people, and I sometimes wonder if it is right for such a process to work this way, when we don’t have something similar for people who have received sacraments in other mainline denominations. Previous marriages and divorce come with the most complex sacramental and canonical issues to work through, which I think is why many Catholics do not pursue the annulment process.
Most Non-Catholics (even non-Christians) have to get an annulment to marry a Catholic. In a Catholic understanding of marriage, marriage is a natural institution created by God. One man and one woman, united for life and open to procreation together. This natural institution has been elevated by Christ to the level of a sacrament between baptized Christians. A married couple is a visible sign of an invisible reality, that is, reflecting Christ’s love for the Church out in the world.
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Church law, or Canon Law, is very complex and detailed. Sometimes unnecessarily so. It seems relatively easy to get married in the Catholic Church, even if you’re not necessarily a practicing Catholic. It is entirely more difficult to get un-married and go through the annulment process.
When I was single and dating, I found this deeply frustrating. If I, as a Catholic, fell in love and wanted to marry a divorced non-Catholic, it is likely he would also have to go through the annulment process in order to marry me in the Catholic Church. It very frequently would eliminate potential partners because they were not open to it, or I sensed it could create a problem later on. As a woman in her mid-30s trying to date well, it left me feeling lonely and scared that I might never meet a good man, all because of this required Church process.
The annulment process creates a barrier for divorced Catholics, which is why many Catholics who remarry do so outside the Catholic Church because depending on the diocese, the process from start to finish could take close to two years. The annulment process varies a bit between dioceses. The Archdiocese of Detroit, where I lived and received lay training, states the process will take 12-14 months. One woman I worked with in our diocese received her annulment in six months, while my own took 13. There are a lot of variances as to why it can move faster or slower. Some dioceses also have application fees associated with the annulment process.
The Catholic Church is the only Christian tradition requiring such a process for any remarriages.
While the annulment is one piece of the journey for a divorced Catholic, support and care are also essential for those struggling in the aftermath of a divorce. The Catholic community needs to become that field hospital that Pope Francis passionately spoke of during his pontificate: “I see the church as a field hospital after a battle. It is useless to ask a seriously injured person if he has high cholesterol and about the level of his blood sugars! You have to heal his wounds. Then we can talk about everything else. Heal the wounds, heal the wounds.”
READ: In Sickness and in Health: What I’ve Learned About Marriage When the Unexpected Happens
Our local parishes can become places of healing and hope for its divorced members.
The Church can acknowledge and see them, not pretend like they don’t exist. Consider the experience of divorced and newly single Catholics in homilies and preaching references. Don’t just use examples of married couples with kids, think about the single parent sitting in the pew who feels so lonely.
Offer divorce support groups in parishes and provide free childcare. Create single-parent support groups so those moms and dads feel supported and cared for. Advertise and offer annulment information workshops and education classes. Explaining the process to people in a loving, pastoral way will help encourage more Catholics to be open to pursuing the process.
My own experience opened my eyes to the need for greater resources and support for people in the pews. Part of being a spiritual community is showing up and walking with people when they are going through hard things in life. In a small way, I hope the ways I have helped support others is a sign of the healing and repair the Church is working towards extending to divorced Catholics.
Jesus does not hate you because of your divorce. He wants to wrap you in his arms of love and mercy, to walk with you through your suffering. Your heart may be broken right now, but it will heal. You will not only survive this divorce, you will thrive again in spite of it.
If you or someone you love is navigating the pain of divorce, my hope and prayer for you/them is that the loving companionship of Jesus will be with you in ways you never imagined.
He wants to walk with you, and so does our Church.
Questions for reflection:
- Have you or anyone in your life experienced divorce and/or the annulment process? What was the experience like?
- What skills, experiences, or gifts do you have that could serve others in moments of hardship?
- How can the Church balance truth and compassion when walking with people through painful experiences?
