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Busted Halo
feature: politics & culture
March 28th, 2002

Ten to Topple?

My List to Keep the Prez Busy After Saddam

 
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One of my favorite buttons, which I attached to my backpack during my freshman year in college, was one that sported a photo of Frank Sinatra and read, “It’s Frank’s world; we just live in it.”

If I were sporting a button today, that button would read, “It’s the Dubya’s world–everybody else just lives in it.” With President Bush’s order to topple Saddam Hussein through “a comprehensive covert program” now out in the open, I’ve decided to add my two cents on other pesky world leaders we may want to topple:

1. Fernando Cardozo of Brazil – Should we ever face Brazil on the soccer field, it’s nice to know that we can save face by toppling Cardozo and showing those pesky Rinaldos and Rivaldos who the boss REALLY is.

2. Fidel Castro of Cuba – We’ve been trying to topple Fidel for decades so why stop now?

3. Mireya Moscoso of Panama – Bush the Elder oversaw the toppling of Manuel Noriega so why not follow dad’s playbook again for old time’s sake? (Note: This item is heavily dependent on someone telling Dubya that Panama is a sovereign country and not just the name of a summer hat.)

4. Biang Nguema Mbasogo of Equatorial Guinea – let’s face it, the President is never gonna his name right and, besides, it’s not fair for a country to include an ethnic slur in its name.

5. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela – Didn’t the U.S. okay the toppling of Chavez a few months ago in that aborted (or rescheduled) coup? Plus Chavez is a huge blasphemer against U.S pharmaceutical products like Viagra. We can’t have that (ask Bob Dole).

6. Salvador Allende of Chile – Oops, sorry. Allende was toppled and died in a coup in the 70′s with ample help from the CIA. Please move on.

7. Jean Chretien of Canada – Because Americans deserve justice for all the attitude they get from Quebecois waiters just for asking, “Garcon, where’s the can?” at your finer Quebec restaurants.

8. Helen Clark of New Zealand – In retribution for New Zealand’s refusal to let U.S. warships carrying nuclear weapons to dock in the country in the 90′s. Plus, all those sheep. Yuck.

9. Vincente Fox of Mexico – Because we can’t have a third world world leader who speaks better English AND Spanish than ours.

10. Gov. Jim Hodges of South Carolina – I know, I know, he’s “one of ours,” but he’s blocking a shipment of weapons-grade plutonium from entering the state because of fears the Department of Energy will keep the plutonium in the state indefinitely. Who’s side are you on, buddy?

 
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The Author : Edward Ortiz
Edward Ortiz is a journalist and writer from western Massachsetts.
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