Queer Eye 4 Straight Guy Re-does Vatican

Papal Residence Goes ‘the Way of the Fabulous'

The “Fab Five” have done a complete make-over of the Vatican this past week prompting His Holiness, Pope John Paul II, to say, “It is as it was.” Carson Kressely the golden-locked fashion guru of the Fab 5 followed up with, “I guess that means that if one gay guy could make a masterpiece out of the Sistine Chapel then five gay guys can do a whiz bang job on the rest of the place.”

The Vatican—in color
Kressley had petitioned the pope to “add a bit more color to his papal wardrobe, white is so 1984.” He’s brought out a new Papal Purple Cape, soon to be on sale at Target for the general public. “You too can be infallibly dressed,” says Kressley.

Thom Filicia, the Fab 5’s interior designer has got the residence filled with much candlelight and a fabulous new dining room which can be used for an intimate dinner with the College of Cardinals or just a few good papal pals. Filicia re-painted the residence in Tuscan colors to “open up the rooms a bit” and make them feel more inviting. “Before this I wouldn’t have spent five minutes in this dreary dungeon; no wonder priests are celibate.”
The pope on the town
Jai Rodriguez, the culture maven, will be taking the pope via Lear jet to Manhattan this evening to “simply cut loose for a night.” He’ll be headed to Manhattan’s Webster Hall for some “boogieing with his people. Protestants have to pay double to get in the door!” Dr. Navarro-Valls the pope’s spokeman said, “I just hope he doesn’t break a hip.”

Later they’ll take in a stand up concert by Chris Rock. Jai said, “I figured the pope hasn’t heard a good dirty joke in a while. Rather than depend on Cardinal Ratzinger to come up with something, I figured it would be better to hit him with a bunch all at once.”

Ted’s bad tortellini
Tragically, Ted Allen, the food guru, gave the pope food poisoning when he fed him some bad tortellini. The pope threw up all over two Swiss Guards and the head of the Vatican Bank. The bank is holding Ted for questioning about his business connections with a couple of cardinals next in line for the papacy. “I swear to God, I didn’t mean to poison him,” Ted exclaimed in the Vatican Bank headquarters. JP II slapped him squarely on the jaw knocking off both his glasses and that really bad hairpiece. “Don’t swear to God in here,” ‘the deuce’ replied.

Kyan Douglas, the group’s personal grooming expert, had some tips to make the Pope look younger. “Dude, you need to exfoliate first of all,” Kyan told the pontiff. “It’s no wonder Cardinal Martini calls you crusty—face facts, man, you are one crusty papal mess!” The new line of papal exfoliant, Miter Mist, will hit the streets of Rome for public consumption next week.

When it was all over, the pope blessed the Fab 5 with
the words, “Be not afraid of huge dust bunnies nor men who wear sports jerseys.”

Happy April Fools’ Day